just like a fish on a bicycle

One full moon day
the mind wanders
to the lake.

reflecting city lights
the soul sighs
all it wants is to better.

in the silliest way
they promise
or do they
irrespective of factors x
to better.

Note to Self

... And sometimes you can feel like you live in a dating sit com. Life can be as frivolous as that.I'm a
Brigit Jones in the making. Sleep is my refuge. Work is a substitute. Shopping is therapy instead of walks in the park. The right guys this time... must remember... only the genuine ones... no convincing yourself. Plenty of time, life's not worth a hasty decision. What we want we pursue, what comes convenient we convince. We can change, change is possible, inevitable . But change can be temporarily positive to achieve what we need- Words of the great master himself. Ah! this crochet life of words, sentences and associations!
+chamaks+

Yesterday was one of the few days when I didn't do what I wanted to. It shot a mini debate in my head. The impulsive Vs The rational. I think there is a flaw in the categories themselves but the sort of rational side, the one which is more selfish won. I was watching Hitch. I liked it. I liked Mr. Hitch. I need his assistance. Yesterday was also the day for weird messages. I was wished for my birthday one month in advance and for last year even. I thought it was pretty in theme with the day (if you can figure out what this means leave your number.). I've been trying to forget my birthday. Last year was an okay sort of day. No one but Arshad turned up to spend time with me. We went drinking and dancing. The year before that I sat across a table in Mc Donalds to a guy I loved as he spoke to people on the phone, fixed meetings, joked, laughed. So this year, I want to surprise myself since no one else will and I know I'll hate it if they do, because no one I want will do so, some random school friend will call, or my parents might turn up. I want to let my birthday pass by without knowing of it only realizing the next day that it did. Coincidentally, we spoke about my birthday at work as well today. Su asked if I would take a holiday and if Meg who is owner will give me a gift or a discount on a buy from the store. Hmm...
blah sunday morning, the need for open green calls,
chamki signing out.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

Since you Virgos can be overly sensitive to the messenger planet, Mercury, you can probably feel his tension today as he pushes up again the boundaries of Saturn. You might not communicate everything that you want to say, but trust your instincts about what to withhold. Then, when you are ready to talk, your words will be strong enough to stand on their own.

A Hard Day's Night

Every once in a while come those days which make you question what you are doing. Today, was not one of those days. But, what am I doing here anyway? I decided to be associated with design and make money for further education, life on my own etc. Life seems tough. Specially since living as a woman is such a task in itself. Getting home is an issue even when it is only 9. K suggests i should get a boy friend who will pick me up and drop me. I think very few people are lucky enough for that kind of life. And knowing myself, I know I wont like the guy who will be willing to do something as sweet as that. I'll fall for the one who wont do anything sweet.
Half the reason i'm writing this when I'm so pooped is because the Beatles decided to sing Hard day's Night. Today I wish to order food and booze from outside and dance for myself, because well, there isn't going to be anyone who I want to be here with anyway. No this post is not talking about my loneliness. I meet some interesting women at work. They work with me at a store that sells Indian kitsch. They come from nearby villages, speak Kanada and Tamil (which I'm also learning.) only yet, manage to write bills in English and help around. But I can't deal with being indoors for soooo long. I spend the morning at the design studio, then the store and then I can't hang around outside but have to sulk to myself at home. All these walls are blocking the sky for me.

What about my visions of holding hands by the sky? What about singing and guitars and groups of people? Distant trees bobbing their heads with the music, some lollying in love, others in dope. I don't want to make Bangalore another Bombay. I know people who can laze in Bombay, its not Bombay to blame. Its me. I'm the one who books herself and then hunts for time. But when I don't have anybody to meet I rather sit and sell trinklets to firangs.

I think the Beatles are evil. Love is not all I need. I need money and a window and a place where my plants can catch some sun. I need a kaliedoscope and someone to cook for me on occasions when I'm tired. I'd like to have a luxurious martini now, or some gin with served with love. But life is cleaning spinach, cutting, washing and cribbing on blog.

The camera is back with my cousin. Cycle is being arranged and somewhere in the background the Beatles tell me what my parents are thinking. Don't let me down girl, don't let me down.

I should just give up the thought that I will ever be able to write about anything and anyone other than me.
yours miss unedited again

P.S: Took the bus today for the first time in this city. All on my own. Just asked people, and realised anyone who has been living here and taking the bus to right next to where I live is still as clueless as me. Such is the mind of the ever evolving homo sapien today. When I informed a friend (!?!) about my current status (= I'm lost) I was told to just keep going left. Yes such is the mind of the average grown up.
Came home to see this in my mail box:

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

As you list all your possible choices, you may ultimately be pulled between two very different directions. On one hand, you are drawn toward a practical and reliable solution. On the other hand, you might receive an intuitive flash that seems too far out. Even if it's not your style, trust your intuition. The road most often traveled isn't the best one to take now.

(2 jobs, 2 possibilities, the road less travelled, the bus route?. Not bad, who is this guy! who is writing these!)

Feelings in SMS

My parents just left. Its a difficult walk back home when the train leaves. Its not easy to live with them but its difficult to live knowing they are old and need you.

Once you've shared your space with someone, its not the same after they leave. Its bigger and colder and quieter.

The monitor at home has lost the colour red. It only displays blue and yellow. Its really old and belongs to my house mate.

Its sad that all these feelings for my parents only come about when they are away. Not when they are near. I think sometimes I must be more patient and repeat it to myself asking the angels to make me more loving but so far it hasn't helped and this trip I have been selfish as hell. They got on my nerves. I was irritated because I wasn't well and had to drag myself through a tour of Mysore.
I hope and pray that by next time I'm a better person to them and to myself.

Tried to avoid shopping and decided to invest in a cycle in this city. It would be nice to meet someone now.

We are never where we were. We think we come back to people, to being similar but we never do, we are moving even when we try to sit as still as we can. Every muscle inside, every tiny bit of us and the whole planet. All moving at the same time. Walking away, toward and beyond.

Yours truly,
the walkway girl.

This morning I woke up with a bad dream about my father. I dreamt that he died while I wasn't home. I was not in another city but somewhere else in the same city and then I'm walking the rainy street to catch a bus for home. No need to mention how horrible I felt. In the dream Prachi, who I haven't met since school said some nasty things to me for leaving my father alone. I spoke about having heard dogs crying painfully in the night. I called home immediately after I woke up. Mom says Dad lost 3 teeth last night. He had a bridge which came off and he can't get it fixed because he is coming my Bangalore house.
So, well, good morning world.

as unedited as can be

Today can be counted one of the worst days of my life.
If I could draw a graph of how low I felt, it would dip way below the axis infintely.
It was just horrible. In the morning I wake up sane, in the night at the end of what I face I write angry words and I feel bad about what I said about K. He is one of the sweetest guys on the planet. I don't like how he has to deal with V and I see myself in the same way sometimes. I see V asking K to meet up. K doesn't feel like, but will do because well, to be nice. But V probably doesnt realise sometimes. Then I feel bad for V. But guys work differently. I just wish V didnt get on k's nerves and they would like each other, but underneath this there is an understanding which I'm incapable of perceiving. They are a sweet gang. that of course doesn't negate that i get on K's nerves and he hates me sometimes. He would rather spend time with Rudi, the moronic psycho wannabe photographer. Today I'm really in a strange mood. We're people we fool around and play around like little kittens till we entangle ourselves in wool. Thats what I think happened with me and BBB. Whatever it is, I can see that he didn't mean to and all that, his way was probably the worst sort of logic possible. He still hides a lot behind his eyes and that there might be someone he is interested in now, but
Each one to their own happiness.
I would only be more than glad to see him happy. Of course he left me alone all of a sudden and considering I had a good friend in him I'm very lost. I want to tell him that what I had was good enough I never wanted more. I cherish it whatever rottenness and beeps it brought along. The time we spent together was so different its not as simple as saying I liked it. Somethings don't work out. I almost believed I was "rejected" because I see things through a 12 yr olds eyes. I might be, I think in the hushes they share they might say she is so stupid, but my angels watch. I'm a hopeful 12 yr old again.
The dreamer sometimes falls into a well, but he is said to get out of it afterwards.
I must remember that instense times are better than wishy washy mall hopping times which seem to sell popcorn to the soul.
Peace is within, and I also think its because Javed replied to my emails. He is a sweet guy. But I'm just afraid to like someone too much. The ones you really like find a reason to go away. At the end of it all, life is lived not heard or read. I'll be out someday, living the life I want, near a pond with trees and the 60's.

yours truly,
with dreams in her eyes.

While talking to Rudigore this morning I said you need mirrors in your glasses to look inside you. I quite like the concept.

Mirrors in your glasses,
look deep inside you,
you might find rotten molasses
in your stomach,
somewhere near the surface of your shoe.
Empty empty empty
Humpty Dumpty,
How do you do?
He a-void-s, tell me a bit about you...
This morning I Chocos chew,
passed a few moments talking to you,
till you chipi-chipied and flew,
then I thought over the words you threw,
The Magic Numbers taught me to
put them in through Ear one,
and throw them out of Ear two.
Too close you think I cling,
Too far you think I push you.
Honest you think I can't be.
Bawling you expect me to
hear you narrate what ill I do to you.
You think, I'm silly don't you,
baby-face, foolish, dramatic too?
Well, go ahead and believe what you do,
I hope you find what you mean to.
Mirrors in your glasses,
look deep inside you.


empty empty empty

Someone else is always better.

Dear Vincent Van Gogh,

I've been reading your letters these days and you have inspired me to say things I wont other wise in letter style on my blog at length and in detail not caring about the reader as much as the genuineness of what must be said. I realise what an important thing it is for me to say and respectively be heard and to listen to another. For even when I don't speak my eyes scream it out, I can't pretend. I can't pretend I didn't hear K say he should hang out with people his age. I can't pretend when see the same neck I kissed now across the table from me. I can't look. I look away instead. I thought I was okay, but there isn't a rational reason for it, its a feeling. I know I have said this very often for anyone to believe it but how shall I explain why a hug melted my resolve?

Its a cold night. Its a horrible feeling to know your unwanted. I must repeat it till it changes. People at work, people at home, I don't like people. I don't like anyone. I'm just tired of this. Everything I do is so pointless, where does it all go? This moment, these words, these feelings, the people, does anything matter? I have tried and tried and tried repeatedly to be hopeful and believe and to keep hope alive for others but I can't anymore and I have no "reasons" to support my "argument". Its my life and its not a session in court. My stomach aches when I think there are others like me typing in the dark to this black hole that gulps our words.

At the end of everything all that happens is loss. I've lost not love but a friend and more friends. I've lost trust. I've lost patience and hope. I can't trust these faces. Not one. I don't want them to deal with me. They don't have to. I'm not their responsibility. I'm on my own in my dark room. Accepting the truths I need to accept and growing up to the real. My days are only evidence of how I avoid the truths and the loneliness, distract myself with trivial activity and move onto nothing that is certain. I don't know why I have to move on, I don't know why things had to change.

Vincent, I wish I could write like Leo or Scritch or Loony. They write about their lives, about work and cold days or longing for love but they don't feel so sorry for themselves. I try to look at myself like another but that makes it worse. I like how these guys are intelligent and sorted in their way of telling their story. Self mocking and entertaining. Underneath it all one can see that they are not the happiest people but they have things to do , people to meet, lives to live. May be they are just grown up and I'm stuck with this tag.

I think I want to hang out with a few my age who are willing to speak their mind who don't see age as a defining factor for anything. I want to meet people who don't meet people they don't want to meet, whom they don't like, whom they find below their IQ level. And yes, I can't take jokes about this anymore. Lets just find another way of humiliating me can we?

Vincent, tell me what is this life led crying to sleep worth? What is the life lived alone worth? What is the life writing angry words worth? Is there something valuable in this existence, in this moment where I'm writing something nobody cares about? What are these words strung together worth if they are not great literature for people to read.

I'm in the middle of people with beliefs opposite of mine. I believe in feelings, in happiness and in love. I'm around people who see life through reason, like goals they can achieve by chalking out a plan. You are so mistaken. you haven't wrecked a life, no you can't but you have made me think enough about mine. Stop lying to yourself. Stop being boring to belong. Stop limiting yourself. Stop seeing life through other peoples eyes. You need to see what you want to do. Its in your eyes. You want something better, but better according to what other people think. You can't let go of what you are for other people now, you can't change that image of you minus the pain. You are not getting better. But here's some luck for your way.

I don't care about what you think behind your eyes. In the maze of veins what passes is not my concern. I was conscious today of what I said, I felt I was indeed very young for your ways. I'm too young to let go of all the possibility I see in life. Too young to accept sarcasm and the nothing really matters attitude entirely. I'm too young to edit these long passages of truth I write. I'm too young to play safe. I am my spontaneity and my honesty.

yours,
Miss Tu Yung
from China

PS: Saturday, July 7th, 2007 PST

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

A new approach in your dealings with an intimate partner or a business associate might be enough to change a difficult dynamic. But don't expect to make gains without some sort of uncomfortable confrontation. Once you put your feelings out into the open, others will be able to engage you on a very real level and this can make all the difference in the world.

The dreamer, the absent-minded and the idle.

The dreamer sometimes falls into a well, but he is said to get out of it afterwards. And the absent-minded man has also in compensation, his lucid intervals. He is sometimes a person who has his reasons for being as he is, those are not always understood at first, or are unconsciously forgotten most of the time, from the lack of interest. A man who has been tossed to and fro for a long time, as if he were tossed on a stormy sea, at last reaches his destination: a man who seemed good for nothing and incapable of any emplyment, any function, ends in finding one, and becoming active and capable of action, he shows himself quite different from what he seemed at first. I write somewhat at random whatever comes to my pen. I should be very glad if you could see in me something besides an idle fellow.
Because there are two kinds of idleness, that form a great contrast. There is a man who is idle from laziness and from lack of character, from the baseness of nature. You may if you like take me for such a one.

Then there is the other sort of idle man, who is idle in spite of himself, who is inwardly consumed by a great longing for action, yet does nothing because it is impossible for him to do anything, because he is seems to be imprisoned in some cage, because hes doe not posses what he needs to make him productive, because the fatality if circumstances bring him there: such a man does not always know what he could do, but he feels by instinct: all the same I am good for something, my life has an aim after all, I know that I might be quite a different man! How can I then be useful, of what service can I be! There is something inside of me, what can it be?

Excerpt from the Letters of Vincent Van Gogh edited by Mark Roskill for fellow citizens idling their youth away.

James,
the times in Bangalore are tough.
I hear things that hurt.
I know they don't intend to but
the shades changes like the phases of the moon,
from the gentle soak, I feel the chill of the melting glaciers in the bathroom. From 24hr company to no one at all in a switch.
I strive to better. Better my home, better my skill. Competition is what keeps me alive, it makes me feel I'm ok, I'm good and I'm worth living.
Music fills the air of my treasured home to provide me company as I type to people countries away.
Its a pity that we share so little with the people near us. May be if we meet and talk we'll hate each other forever. Irrepairable damage may be caused. Do you fear meeting someone you share your everyday with?
Is there something to do with the names begining with J? James, Jen, Jyoti and Javed?
Should I look for a Joseph, Jasmine or Jaimini to understand me? Talk to me? Be patient with me?

I miss having someone to make feel better also. Its a good way to reassure yourself of help. I know, if I can help someone there will be help for me. I'm not mad, I don't need psychological treatment. Just a hug once in a while, and a person to talk to and hear. How awkward and indulgent one can feel to call someone to say "I'm sick, I'm unwell, not feeling well, or feeling unloved, worthless, feeling responsible of making others unhappy". So you lie in bed staring at the ceiling, reading a book, praying, feeling the aches of your body numbing your thoughts till you fall asleep because you can't call someone and no one is going to know.

Life has it way to make grow up and stop crying your heart out.

yours,
Dee