(drawing made on September 12,2012)
Its been difficult lately, to look deeper inside. I had a feeling a few months ago that I was a better person. I was able to look out for my parents, be patient, calm and able to listen and absorb what was happening around me. I was blindly reacting less, and getting a sense of what it was that I'm here to do, when suddenly life took a turn. I was following all the advice, the signs I saw and I walked onto a new road, a road that was going much faster. Don't ask me where it's going because if I knew I probably would be more comfortable on it. It's exciting, there's people with me, love and even tonnes of arrows pointing straight at the spongy grey clouds within, those things that prevent me from being true. There's the right amount of bait - work required, challenge with help - to keep on going, with equal amounts of difficulty.
Each day, I see more of the buzzy, fuzzy issues that keep me from sharing love, general love, with those around me. Comparison, Jealousy, Wanting attention in a particular way, Certainty, Safety and Expectations of Undying Commitment... these things that choke the flow of life and make it boring to live. These things that makes our friends our enemies; into people we need to be wary of and our loved ones into people who are out to get us. Each day I notice how my mother's worry has become my own but in its own distinctive way. You know, how mother's can worry endlessly when they don't know where you are and what you're doing - wondering if you are safe, or cooking up things like you don't care for them, or have abandoned them. OK, If you're mother doesn't feel like this, that's great. I have the same anxiety about friends and lovers.
This happened just when I thought, I was going the right direction, somewhere, somewhere over the rainbow.
A friend said to me the other day, "How do you know you are not in the right direction still? And what makes you think that you have regressed instead of progressed?"
My thought was "because it feels so uncomfortable and at times unmanageable. I react irrationally and sometimes I'm plain ridiculous. I lose sense of that space from which I can see things from, with more perspective, than just my limited hormonal or emotional one. Very often I'm caught in a bubble. A bubble-like state of being separating me from what is really happening. I'm peering out of it, everything looks warped, chaotic, Wrong. I take leaps into these uncomfortable places and doubt catches up on me. There is no way to be certain of anything"
There's no way to conclude what I'm talking about here. I'm just on a road. But there are a few words I wrote to a friend in a letter, which concluded that letter.
Nothing on this road is what I planned, or chose with my intelligent thinking. But I try to grasp it, understand it, analyze it, in some form of thinking so I can hold it and say - Look! this is what I've got. This is who I am. I forget that this is life's plan, with me.
Why you and I can share this even after we have enough reason not to care? It's because we share Love. Real Love which is for our brothers and sisters, co-travellers in the journey of life and most importantly our neighbours. All our friends, parents, random strangers, lovers are firstly our neighbours.
Love thy neighbour.
If I can only remember this when I'm facing a lover, my mother, the autorickshaw wala. I will remember, Love doesn't aim to possess but support and enable others on this marvellous curious wine-tasting called LIFE.
Reality is mostly like a hunter looking for a moment of vulnerability - Adyashanti.
