as unedited as can be

Today can be counted one of the worst days of my life.
If I could draw a graph of how low I felt, it would dip way below the axis infintely.
It was just horrible. In the morning I wake up sane, in the night at the end of what I face I write angry words and I feel bad about what I said about K. He is one of the sweetest guys on the planet. I don't like how he has to deal with V and I see myself in the same way sometimes. I see V asking K to meet up. K doesn't feel like, but will do because well, to be nice. But V probably doesnt realise sometimes. Then I feel bad for V. But guys work differently. I just wish V didnt get on k's nerves and they would like each other, but underneath this there is an understanding which I'm incapable of perceiving. They are a sweet gang. that of course doesn't negate that i get on K's nerves and he hates me sometimes. He would rather spend time with Rudi, the moronic psycho wannabe photographer. Today I'm really in a strange mood. We're people we fool around and play around like little kittens till we entangle ourselves in wool. Thats what I think happened with me and BBB. Whatever it is, I can see that he didn't mean to and all that, his way was probably the worst sort of logic possible. He still hides a lot behind his eyes and that there might be someone he is interested in now, but
Each one to their own happiness.
I would only be more than glad to see him happy. Of course he left me alone all of a sudden and considering I had a good friend in him I'm very lost. I want to tell him that what I had was good enough I never wanted more. I cherish it whatever rottenness and beeps it brought along. The time we spent together was so different its not as simple as saying I liked it. Somethings don't work out. I almost believed I was "rejected" because I see things through a 12 yr olds eyes. I might be, I think in the hushes they share they might say she is so stupid, but my angels watch. I'm a hopeful 12 yr old again.
The dreamer sometimes falls into a well, but he is said to get out of it afterwards.
I must remember that instense times are better than wishy washy mall hopping times which seem to sell popcorn to the soul.
Peace is within, and I also think its because Javed replied to my emails. He is a sweet guy. But I'm just afraid to like someone too much. The ones you really like find a reason to go away. At the end of it all, life is lived not heard or read. I'll be out someday, living the life I want, near a pond with trees and the 60's.

yours truly,
with dreams in her eyes.