just today.

Today,
I'm coming back to that part of me in the spiral that began writing this blog. But this isn't a circle, so it isn't exactly the same space. The universe is always expanding and so has my horizon of understanding, my collection of clothes for myself. Just like understanding can collect and direct you to knowledge or cause conflict by bringing together two conflicting opinions, I've battled against the seas asking why I wish to write on the sand. And today, after many hours spent in this dialogue, I suggest to myself to enjoy the grains and the waves . I'm back to this writing, because what I truly love is just writing. The pure act of scribbling, no matter what it says, where it comes from and to whom and how it goes. And yes, I admit, that I like if it goes somewhere, in letter, in words, in voice, in visuals and in movement.
Today,
was spent trying to maneuver handwritten words into an email and collecting words of poets in all shapes and sizes. And Today was hence much enjoyed, now Today can rest in peace and return when the sun does.

a dreamed world

Love. Courage. Little courage.
Little moments of courage. Little tiny moments of courage and truth.
Those we live everyday. Thats what makes love.
Not great poetry, or inspiration,
not a menagerie of muses or
paintings of crushed desires folded as flowers.

love is a kiss,
a soft cloud on lips,
a fleeting feeling so real,
so temporary
that it isn't real today.
just a rich memory.

Just as much as i wish
my words,
these words, would carry what my heart does.
you in the dark.
bottles being passed.
it isn't real today.
just a rich memory.

why live a dreamed world?

after watching Atonement.

Et Vull.

A lazy moon hangs over the city.
Grey on grey.
We play hide and seek in the storm.
The kids and me.
A chronic stomach ache.
A fuzz in the sluggish head.
A tremor with every step.
The bag is open and waiting.
Clothes creased from being
packed and unpacked
several times over.
Time spent in a room
locked,
hushed voices
expressing desire..
how I remember your body,
your breathe on my shoulders,
your smell.
Yes, aunt, I'm meditating, I need some space.
This is a full moon prayer.
Yes, I'll be done soon.
Et vull. Te quiero.

simply existing.

Slowly shedding layers of lycra track suits and stage make up after leaving the performance based dance company I realise dance is somewhere I find myself. One mind-body. The energy I use is my own. The floor could be the sand of the beach, the promenade next to the sea, the bathroom floor.In this non- dependency there is less ego or pride and more joy, of being a candle that burns to give its own light.
I'm glad my life's path has led me to dance, which in itself needs nothing else to survive. I don't need to dance. Nobody needs my dancing. It isn't a byproduct of civilisation.. of society.. like a lawyers job or a meat shop or a news reporter. The body moves. It is made to move, as much as it is made to be still. Energy flows. Energy transforms.
Dance doesn't need society, it doesn't need an audience. It is different from performance. It isn't out there to save anything, to resolve issues, solve problems, build, construst or even inspire. It is just there. A doctor needs his patients, he needs sickness to cure. All by himself, I don't know if a doctor remains a doctor. Just like the Police needs crime, mobs to control. An artist needs his pen and paper. A photographer needs his camera and his subject. A politician needs need. An activist needs need.
But dance, or the dancer, just needs existence, or life, or cosmos, or god, or shiva, may be just one moving atom or perhaps a well functioning body, but thats not true either. Dance is something like meditation is. Something that is. Its a process of feeling, or receiving and responding to energy, a tuning in. Like the song of the heart. Something very simple. Very basic.. that we all share.
Dance and meditation seems to be the way to live life wholly. . using fully everything we are born with,every little muscle, every little bone, every little artery, every layer of my being, all my energy, allowing everything around to inspire, move and pass through - avoiding nothing- simply existing.

strange but predictable

3 years ago I spent a summer in Delhi, deliberating my next move in life and roasting in the heat.
Many battles with family and fate made quick concrete roads leading to Bangalore under the pretext of Aerosmith's live concert. A tiny suitcase and air ticket later I was in his arms listening to "Dream on".
Time passed. In a few months we parted ways because my tooth brush seemed to be sprouting like Jack's beanstalk to the sky and occupying too much personal space in his bathroom. Sure..
Work was found. I danced. I drew. More friends. Dear dear friends, more partings, more love later.. frustration with job become the humm of my life. Another trip to Delhi was made.. next step deliberated. This time, I got a call from work sending me to Korea. I got onto that boat and sailed away for 6 months.
Now, I'm in Delhi again. Deliberating. My heart is in Spain.. a lover on the shores of Catalunia. I've been studying Spanish. Crying at Visa offices. Telling them the truth. This is a question of my marriage.. well, it could lead there, if you let me go. But what is a faceless Visa system? Where is the slot for love on the Visa form? Where is the space for poetry to my lover? Can I sign the dotted line in blood? Is that enough of a motive?

will this lead me to Spain now? Will it ever happen!
I've decided trouble is not worth delving into. Of course when it comes with all its strength its best to surrender and cry, but at times when you feel helpless, its best give up watch a movie or something. Gone are the days when I could dive deep into depression, swim in self pity to find an oasis of friend's help. I'm much more optimistic. Now its the universe alone that can help me. . or not.

it has no real choice

hazey jane.

How many voodoo dolls would I need to make to kill civilisation?

I'm exhausted. Just tired of all the round about ways of living we have created to call ourselves progressed. The amount of barriers to our essence, to simplicity and love frustrate me. I find myself uncontrollable hot in the stomach as soon as someone pushes me to get ahead in the metro, visa office made me cry and phone calls disorient me. I think a world without the notion of "impossible is nothing", "if we can reach the moon, we can go anywhere" would be far more satisfying.

but impossible is nothing.. but the way there is hazey.

This is an open invitation for an invitation. I want to go to Spain. If you are from Spain or know people in Spain.. here's an artist (dancer, illustrator, tarot reader, hindi- english language teacher and a good learner) who will work for you, free of charge. All I need is a letter saying you want me to come to Spain and work for you.

thats all.
Ive sent this message now, into the universe. something will bounce back.

giant thank you in sand.

Today is a giant Thank you
scribbled in the sand
of my heart's beach.
A thank you to the angels
sitting at angles
of the universe, waiting
to help those who ask for it.
Thank you for friends, for hugs,
for the new people I've met.
Thank you for the freedom to bend days
and meet departing friends before they head home.
Thank you for sudden connections and possibilities
in a big city of dust storms and unbearable heat.
Thank you for the music and dance and
metro feeder buses.
Thank you for Paro and her great friends,
her love and inspiration.
Thank you for Abhilash and his openness,
and confidence with help.
Thank you for Chris and Christine's generous
love and care, for the illegal three on a bike riding all over Goa.
Thank you for random hugging people,
conversations in the dark,
and Krishna, the Kerela massage teacher.
Thank you for all the russian massage clients,
and Chris of Ashiyana and Roger of Watsu
for the great discounts at learning and sharing.

Thank you to the Spaniyards
for spreading wings of love,
providing shade
and nurture to the young sapling
of trust in me.

Thank you Xavi,
for trusting my process
while I trust yours.
For being accepting of my love and hate.
For the light and the shadow.

Thank you family,
for being yourself and giving me a little space
to be me.

Thank you osho
for leaving so many of your words in neat recordings behind
for me to listen to.
Thank you old job,
for letting go of me and giving me a new life.

Thank you deybu,
for being around on sad days in Delhi.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

i really want to draw
upload something,
specially to go along with this
but I have no means of doing so,
with me!

today-today

Today,
was filled with long talks about
love and marriage and visa,
sleepy metro rides on seats reserved for women,
and odd-houred naps with the light on.
The tarot card said receptivity,
listen to whatever life brings
without a busy and aggressive mind to hinder
the pure receptivity.
fill, overflow and empty yourself.

reality is what dreams are made of.

Today,
was many small volcanic eruptions of emotion,
shutting down inner airports.
grey mushroom clouds were
pressure cooking my heart's desire,
garnishing it with guilt.
I think I fed it all to my sleep.

your body, my body

the body is a message from the universe.
a quiet message waiting to open up and share its fingers.
a naked voice of smile and cry.
your face is not your body.
your body is your face.

Only love.

5 years ago an astrologer predicted everything about my life.

Pretty much everything, accurately. Not things about the future but about the past. She said I had been betrayed in love and tried to kill myself.. things you couldn't say to everyone. She told me the dates when I would be influenced to do this. She suggested me to avoid all meat, non vegetatarian food and contact with men, no kind of alcohol. At that age this meant no parties, no boy friends, no friends who were men, no late night and a huge amount of tasty food out of my range. Not to mention the amount of guilt this filled my mind with. She added that everything I ate influenced my father's health. Every time I ate chicken, my father would wake up sick. She said there are different types of people, some are solar people, people who should eat satvik, vegetarian, organic food that is light and there are people who can benefit from eating rajsik or tamsik food.. food like meat, fried and tasty.
I trusted her. The state I was in, I could have either trusted noone or barely anyone, but I trusted her. She has large beady eyes and was fairly young and unmarried. I thought astrology was a bold carrier choice of a woman in delhi at her age and family background. I noticed there were days when I went weak and ate a peice of chicken tikka. I'd wake up the next morning and find my father sicker than before. It all made sense.
2 years went by. My friends ate in front of me at places that served non-vegetarian, which was non-vegetarianised by pinchful sprinkles of shredded meat and I would refrain. I wouldn't have money enough to order something by myself, so I'd starve because I couldn't share their food, wait till I got home and eat hours later.
It was good. It was therapeutic. I felt that I had a will and I could exercise it. Then many good things began to happen.. we started to share other things. We began to read tarot cards, play paper games and make art together. Vegetarinism carried on. Friendships grew, blossomed and Mahima invited me to Nepal. I was thrilled. In Nepal, one day before the new year she said to me.. Isn't it strange that you can tell people about their lives by looking at a card and you abstain from things you want and things you like because some bright-eyed lady said so? How is it that you trust the words that come to you when you look at your cards, but can't trust the truth of your own desire? It made me reconsider. I said, once again I will come to a life of living and leave behind this life of abstinence. I will risk my father's health, my final big burden of guilt and eat that juicy peice of meat for it is my hearts desire. We clicked our glasses of Tia Maria and welcomed my new life.

I was never into large amounts of meat, but that occasional chicken I enjoyed very much. Now 4 years later I've been to Korea.. consumed all sorts of seafood, octopus, raw fish, pork, even beef which I didn't like very much.. part of my Hindu soul probably doesn't appreciate the sensation of the taste itself. We haven't let food go clean from moral implications.

A few days ago I found out- just like I had found out then, 5 years ago- falsities of my life.. that this astrologer was paid to tell me all this. All the guilt that I went through,the fat pearl ring that I wore, all the abstinence that I pursued as a proof of my will was all another big lie told to me to deal with the other lies of my life.

Right now, I'm jobless. Most of my male friends are dropping one after another because they believe they "love" me and that I, in keeping them as friends am not valuing their emotions. Which is basically that I should sleep with all of them, or give them all a chance at it, even when I clearly tell them that I'm not attracted to them. I've tried to mend this pattern. Its happening for the 3rd time now and honestly, I'm giving up on male friends, on the concept of gifts of love and the like. A used to like gifts.. sending random postcards, receiving letters.. these are gifts enough. Based on the events I've witnessed I'm beginning to think gifts are ways of saying I like you, I'm giving this to you, so you like me and then I want something back. If you accept it with a smile and the thought that this is what the universe wants you to have, you are a fool who will sooner or later get hate mails from them. and as you can see here I'm not the only one saying this.

Work projects with friends have all been shelved. People are excited by the blog and the drawings and my low financial status. But nothing materialises. Either I do the work and don't get paid, or even before I can do the work people stop answering or returning calls.

At this stage, I'm back to I don't know whom to trust or what to trust. Part of me wants to enjoy life, accept pain but no part of me is able to neglect the big bold bullseye on me and repetition of the patterns.
Meanwhile, love awaits me in Spain. With no visa, not much money, and the guilt of having to take it from my father, I wonder what is possible.

a tiny voice in me says LOVE. only love is possible.

words on god between James and me

a few days ago, James Healy, the famous Irish poet and me got into a heavy email battle sort of discussion about the ultimate. Not that discussing it would make it change or anything, but this is something that has been in my immediate environment, surrounding me and on my mind.
No resolve or conclusion, just a healthy long process and meditation. I'm not looking for any answers. there is just one. it is the question and the answer.
anyway, before I go off the track again this is email that seemed to have been the last email on the matter between James and me. I was hoping it would be something he would say.. something new for me to hear.. but rereading this makes me think I haven't actively thought this before.

From: Chamko Rani

To: James
Sent: Friday, April 23, 2010 12:28 PM
Subject: Re: the wonder of you


James,
I see no falsehood in jesus.
but everything around him is very much full of power games and trouble.
i see no need to fear and hence i fear no satanic concept.
hence, i dont look to a good or prophet for protection from the evils that may exist in the world.
god is existence for me and god is consciousness.
and i repeat god is a celebration for this miracle that is our planet and our life.
god is beyond an identity and which is why it is difficult for me to say jesus is the only true god, or only god or anything.
im not saying jesus is not god.. but everything is.
why is it so important to accept what is in the bible or around as the only truth?
why is it that beliefs are right or wrong and not personal?
the sun and the moon and the earth are not christian or hindu or whatever so why do we have to be?
and these are the creators of strong influences over our lives.

all i know is i wouldn't limit god to something. and exclude something from god.. because this is what comes very naturally to me. i think what is most natural is most closest to god.
like a leaf, like a flower. man has moved furtherest and tried to convince himself that he is the closest because he is "more conscious".
these are merely reflections of the ego.

this is not a discussion about atheists nor about different religions. i'm talking about all beliefs that make us powerless, and following that try to make us superior.
progress and civilsation, power and religion need to be reconsidered.

god is in the small things.
god is personal.
im not waiting for jesus to show up.
he is right here in me.

i have no real words to explain further.. neither am i interested in discussing god in words.. or arguing about him/her/it/everything intellectually.
the mind is a minute part of our body that has gained supremacy over the rest of us, just like the power and finances and decision making of the world int he hands of the few.
i now understand why a completely natural life and a life away from massaging the grey matter of the mind is almost impossible, because religion art, celebration and even communication experience have become extremely mindful- mindless. in all of this the heart is lost.
the heart doesn't reason, the heart feels. and if one wants to know god.. one can't reason him out.. one can't find him in words. one can't understand him.. once feels him, one experiences him. because one is him. this life is a matrix and within this matrix we have symbols for god, we have words for him and jesus christ, allah and ram are these indirect ways of reaching him.
the way to god is with eyes closed. inside oneself, through oneself, through what is most natural and what is closest to god, and away from civilisation and the man-made world.
but god is everywhere and surely you can reach him through music, through prayer, through chanting, through physical mortification, through abstenance, through sacrifice, through religion.
but you can also reach him ways that respect your body, your mind, respect nature, respect your natural desires and instincts.
you also reach him through love.

D

.

found somewhere on the internet

today

the harmony of the heart is hidden
beneath these layers of table manners,
polite excuse mes at every sneeze
and every not required apologetic email.
let go of people who are your life's motifs
and look clearly at the space you're in.
the room, the doors, the corners, the beams,
the chair, the rickshaw.

see the tiny life of your present moment
like an earthworm crawling,
against the mammoth that is your past
like the frozen Everest.

and breathe.
breathe in that which truly is..
around you, over you beneath you.
that which sits silent in your pain,
that which sits silent in your numbness,
that which hides in your love,
that which exists no matter
where your awareness rushes to.
why fight the world's pain for them?
why pity and why cure?
what lies true, lies inside you and you alone.

I feel different everyday.

I notice in your silent stare a question and a blame.
For surely, if i feel truly everyday my changing feelings,
you can call me flaky and fickle.
I notice in my changing feeling a quivering shy need to be true.
And this truth is not in any alignment with any idea, a mental vision of what should be, what must be.. or a judgement.
Not an idea of truth, but the feeling itself, a physical feeling of knowing, of not knowing so much as much as being. May be its as simple as feeling comfortable, having no doubt, or a just an impulse.
And right now, for some given reason that changes everyday.
Just as every breath leaves us and another breath draws in a different breeze, a different scent, we are constantly moving.
To believe I feel the same way everyday about the same people everyday is probably close to living small lies. Why don't we refresh our love everyday? We don't need an old memory to justify why and how we feel for a person. To figure, to calculate whether they deserve our trust or love or company. Why don't we live a string of moments reacting instantly, living ourselves like we want to be, in every little slice of today.
Noticing things around us, knowing and accepting them, living them wholly.
Surely there is something innate about him or her that every changing feeling will also find constant. May be just saying I love you (today) is enough.
We pull the reins of our free feeling horses
to control and predict our feelings every moment, to live as the same person we were yesterday.
To maintain one soul through the many years we live, to keep one identity perhaps.

what is this worth?

the return of the chamko in the rani

I didn't blog for a long time now.. simply because words didn't seem to be my way of communicating anymore. Specially the written word. I much preferred to spend my days in Goa meeting faces and hands, touching and dancing. Conversations charged with presence, instead of this internet absence. But I decide to return to this blog, just as suddenly as I left it.
Perhaps its a place for me to digest my experience. Perhaps not.
I've been watching my uncle walking around the house wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm blogging this right now" on the back. I'm sure its my sister's doing. She is a net junky and makes money of it too.

Things that have made me think of gargling out blog posts have been in and around Delhi - the family wedding, the family atmosphere, Delhi's civil war situation, the "fantastic" weather conditions and lack of anyone around to talk to. I don't know which part of Delhi is people friendly or inspiring or enjoyable. Perhaps inside your air conditioned room, with you wifi internet and blackberry close by, it is close to enjoyable.. but if one wants to step outside, Delhi is living hell.

I've been reading avidly and have now decided to compile a sex education sort of session for schools in Delhi.. inspired by my facebook addicted little sister. Anyone interested in donating ideas is deeply thanked.

greek love

this love for you I have is
greek love. Because
there isn't one word
to say what this love
for you means,
so I thought better to give away
a few more than one.

this love I have for you is
greek love. Because
you dubbed me Aphrodite
and I wished we were
platonic.
this love for you is greek, definitely.

Agape, a gaping hole that
that consumes us in dark when
we are close
and shines the light on the distance.
Eros, for we love truly , only when
we are away.

this love is greek for sure, says Aristotle.
Philia, a general type love from a bottle
strong enough to suffer for,
weak enough to stay nameless.
this love is love as much love
as love in love can be.
storge or thelema or khaos
this love I have for you is,
greek positively.
(because i just don't get it.)

big spam

due to excessive spamming, comment moderation has been activated.

**

I think I meet great people, even intelligent and talented. The problem is that they meet me

end of chapter

To "gift for him",
sorry if i have been bothering you with random emails.
perhaps it was my unconsious that has been throwing things at me.
but in a conversation I realised may be what began 2 weeks ago.
You remember i wrote you an email about you and your boy.
well, ive been talking about myself,
ive been having more dreams,
even visions while watching TV and things..
and it was talking about me as much as it was talking about you.

i'll cut it short.
that something that popped out of the picture
I saw of you and "the boy who won the moon",
I saw it again today
was this energy..
it felt like what you had found,
what nidhi had found in milan
was a soulmate.

just a simple thing.
like two puzzle peices
that fit perfectly together
very unpoetic imagery i know..

in korea ive thought about **** and ***** a lot.
when i was in hospital
the thoughts that crossed me were
if this is how i would leave the world,
what would i have left my loved ones?
in my love for perfection, for bettering myself
i expect others to do the same as well..
pretty much a kind of plato or hitler.
ive watched TV about chimpanzees and their sexual selection
about selecting superior genes and better mates..
about hitler wanting a superior race.
and im just like them.

but im not perfect.
no way.
i wasnt turning people down.
i can't.
but i was guilty in my heart.
of that unsure reason
that made me say no to the best people ive ever met.

ive always wanted to meet someone
i could spend endless time with
someone with a love of nature
with a song in his heart
not afraid to share his emotions
and then i said no
i dont love you.
and let him slip away.
and it killed me till today..
but today i realised i only said those
because i didnt think i was his soulmate.
because there was love and warmth
and care and fights and issues
and selfishness from my side.

and its the same with *****

there is all this inarticulate rubbish in my head.
but its only an effort to love and respect.
i just wish i would consistently wake up saner and better
and not fall into the depths of my self created hell.

inshah allah.
lotsa love
and thanks for listening,
just felt i needed to tell you this to end the
chapter that began with the email about your picture.

dee

in the heart of the seed.

I want to say a lot of things that may not sound best when written as they are. But this is what my mind wants said so I shall say them . I wonder how important attraction is in our interactions with people. Why it shapes our love and why hormones play such an important role. Why is it that somebody I think extremely precious and close I am not attracted to, as if there is a purity of the love I have for them , like a sibling I want to share all my time and energy but may not share a bed. And those who I very willingly undress for are not the best of people, but their simplicity and smallest effort are enough to convince me.
It is as if someone who is closer to goodness I expect more of, and someone who is closer to a world of immediate gratification can make the slightest effort towards good and be appreciated by me.
Who am I ? some sort of judge or queen?
Why is it important for me to be possessed by you and you alone and why is it that we cannot be individuals who learn from each other each day. If you give me, my free will, without pressure there is no limit to our love and more importantly our friendship. I hope you still think of friendship as a word of value. Why is it not enough that we learn our lessons from each other?
I see love and lovemaking are equally important. I see that attraction is a sign that assures us, or the lack of it is a sign that says something is not as it seems. What the mind doesn't know the body knows. Then why can't we just hold hands and watch sunsets for a while, not expecting a postcard of lovers at the horizon, romanticizing ourselves. Wouldn't we be more true to ourselves and the moment if we let it tell us who we are than defining it ourselves?
I know this is of little consequence when compared to the worlds problems, but this is at the heart of many things. This problem of playing roles in peoples lives, defining how they should function or how we should function in theirs, creates a distance and takes away from the honesty we are capable of.
why can't we speak again and grow old just as we are?
a step ahead of each other, never together.