end of chapter

To "gift for him",
sorry if i have been bothering you with random emails.
perhaps it was my unconsious that has been throwing things at me.
but in a conversation I realised may be what began 2 weeks ago.
You remember i wrote you an email about you and your boy.
well, ive been talking about myself,
ive been having more dreams,
even visions while watching TV and things..
and it was talking about me as much as it was talking about you.

i'll cut it short.
that something that popped out of the picture
I saw of you and "the boy who won the moon",
I saw it again today
was this energy..
it felt like what you had found,
what nidhi had found in milan
was a soulmate.

just a simple thing.
like two puzzle peices
that fit perfectly together
very unpoetic imagery i know..

in korea ive thought about **** and ***** a lot.
when i was in hospital
the thoughts that crossed me were
if this is how i would leave the world,
what would i have left my loved ones?
in my love for perfection, for bettering myself
i expect others to do the same as well..
pretty much a kind of plato or hitler.
ive watched TV about chimpanzees and their sexual selection
about selecting superior genes and better mates..
about hitler wanting a superior race.
and im just like them.

but im not perfect.
no way.
i wasnt turning people down.
i can't.
but i was guilty in my heart.
of that unsure reason
that made me say no to the best people ive ever met.

ive always wanted to meet someone
i could spend endless time with
someone with a love of nature
with a song in his heart
not afraid to share his emotions
and then i said no
i dont love you.
and let him slip away.
and it killed me till today..
but today i realised i only said those
because i didnt think i was his soulmate.
because there was love and warmth
and care and fights and issues
and selfishness from my side.

and its the same with *****

there is all this inarticulate rubbish in my head.
but its only an effort to love and respect.
i just wish i would consistently wake up saner and better
and not fall into the depths of my self created hell.

inshah allah.
lotsa love
and thanks for listening,
just felt i needed to tell you this to end the
chapter that began with the email about your picture.

dee