I've been dreaming.

I've been dreaming. Awful dreams. Monday it was my father who died in the dream and I wasn't believing anyone. Within my dream I was unbelieving his death by saying I know this time like all the times it is just a dream. It felt horribly insensitive to not believe and worse to believe. Tuesday the family was standing in Surti's balcony, around 6 floors high and looking down at someone's ashes been spread around a grass lawn. Ambassadors were parked around the green patch. Suddenly a woman dressed in a Salwar kameez ran out of the building asking for Ceaser uncle's granddaughter. (There's a background to it. In the dream it was established at some thought that they had been wishing for long for a grand daughter) So the woman was screaming asking for the girl. A splash on the ground beside her. A new born baby girl from the second floor squashed to pulp. Wednesday was spent at Aranyani's place and I didn't get any dreams there. Thursday I couldn't sleep in my dream. I tossed around in bed for hours and woke up feeling exhausted and missed class. Mommy called with news from Bombay. She said my father had suffered a mild heart attack kind of feeling a couple of days ago and Surti uncle's old mother passed away. The building and it's breaking down and rebuilding is still being discussed.

End of May

I wish my journal and I had something to say. But we're just looking around.

So, I've been thinking...

Monday, May 19th, 2008 -- You are in an upbeat phase, but anxiety still runs through you like a brush fire in a dry spell. You are on-edge, as if things won't settle down. The best antidote for you is to get out and do something. You could always sneak away from work to go shopping or head out to a ball game. Whatever you do, keep the fire of spontaneity burning.

drawings of pictures by lecercle.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.

Spending time with myself on a Friday night,
looking back at what the day has been.
For starters I took my antibiotics without eating anything
and no vitamins and had a really bad trip.
Heard of that?
I hadn't.
Everyone was looking at me, accusing me of being a lazy drowsy weakling. The joy of a Subway sandwich brought some relief but then I was back to facebook at the end of the day. Every time I surf the Internet.
I feel like furniture.
Unproductive,
just lying around,
slowly wearing off.
I have nothing to show for me, for who I am or what I do.
Furniture.
Something everyone is so used to around them that they hardly notice the changes. This has been the longest dry patch. Absolutely no drawings that I like, I try but nothing. No writing, no feelings just hallucinations.
Not to self: Forget the beer in the fridge.
Sometimes I think this is how growing up feels like, living on your own feels like, a dancers life feels like, but its just what a life without purpose feels like. This is how it is.

May be, I'm trying too hard.
I want to be able to make something I like. May be I'm making myself something I like. I'm dancing, but a dancer is such a distant person. We touch no stories, inspire nobody. Its pretty selfish. High protein dinner on time, 8 hrs of sleep, 7 glasses of water, vitamins etc. I've had the worst dreams these days and I don't tell anyone because I tell everyone. It feels empty. draining. silly.

I've been to beaches and recreated them in my head, on the terrace. I've sweated my hatred out. I've forgotten how to read in paragraphs. I've bought trainers. I wake on time everyday to jog to class. Ex boyfriends, their appearances, mention etc doesn't bother me. I pushed a guy off the footpath and kicked his chest because he was acting wierd with me. Just a boy on the road. A lot is happening and not happening and I don't know what I want to do with all this information. Thats it.

today in horoscope

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 -- Your moods are less stable today and can stir up insecurities or uncertainties if you let them. Although your feelings are based upon real experiences, they don't necessarily tell the whole story. Let your emotions flow without trying to analyze them for now. They have much to teach you that are beyond the limitations of words.

the insignificant moment over and over

I got this today.I'm sharing this with everyone because we need to know that people are happy. Real happy. Not facebook happy sending fake hug and all. (although I'll be glad with a hug. I just got infected with facebook and am sick and surfing, I mean suffering) I asked Riddhi how she was, you know the usual whats up? She said very good! How often do we hear someone say that? It makes a difference. Somewhere deep down, in a good way. Happyment, goodness, happiness all of it still exists. People send love to random people. At least Randy does. Goodness to random Randy. Thank you.

Today,

I would like to be a nun. I think it would save me from thinking a lot of nonsense. I would think other types of nonsense for sure, but that would be in the next episode of the show.