People

I don't understand how you can date someone who is married and has a kid who he claims to love. How can you touch him? I don't know how you have a love in far away city and want another near you. How can you sleep at night? I don't understand how love is need. I don't understand how one can be obliged to like. I don't comprehend this feeling. I don't understand how you can want someone enough to make them feel guilty about making you unhappy.I've seen a lot of people lately, I've walked out of places, parties. I'd like to be alone with my thoughts left to me and my journal.
People have to say what they have to say because we are meant to hear it. We design our own matrix, our own learning program, our life. I'm here to hear that you are dissapointed by me and that you misread me to be a likeable person. I'm here to see you assume what I feared you would. Your words make me guilty for being me. I can't be what you want me to be. But I am. You designed me in your life.

I haven't been blogging because these thoughts are so personal I don't say them aloud. This city is so small and so connected, almost caging. There are a million things I don't want to see. Your intentions, your lives with their details. Ignorance is bliss.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You could play the role of a protector today as your tendency to nurture others is quite strong. Nevertheless, you might run into an unspoken resistance to your work now as someone tries to undermine your contribution. Don't fight back by taking anyone on directly. Instead, just keep showing up with a positive attitude and do the best you can. Your relentless loyalty to those you love will shine through, no matter what.

Thoughts from my mind

Lately there's been so much to say and so little cell phone credit that a lot of pages in my journal have been filled up. Some of the things I've been thinking are:
1. there is no there.
2. look at the good side of things. The week is not about reaching Friday.
3. "Things have a life of their own," the gypsy proclaimed with a harsh accent. "Its simply a matter of waking up their souls"- One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
4.I'm afraid of people with bad handwriting.
5.You can be walking and falling - Dance.
6.How happy is the blameless vestal's lot
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
Each pray'r accepted and each word resign'd
-A. Pope
7. Om purnamadah purnamidam purnat purnamudacyate
purnasya purnamadaya purnamevavas isyate

which can be loosely translated from Sanskrit to
That is whole;
This is whole,
From that whole,
This whole came,
From that whole
this whole removed,
what remains is whole.

“Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.”- Calvin & Hobbes

What is a quote? How much does it feel? Words that are not your own. You understand them and appreciate them. You may get influenced or inspired but these words are not your own. Words that originate through your internals are words that you realise and add to the your story. What are words picked from others stories worth to yours? Your words can be the same as someone else's words but they can't be picked and quoted.Or shouldn't be. That stops your creation. Talk about the sun. Talk about the stock market. Talk about the latest trends but say something you want to say because it must be said.

“The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.”
Chuck Palahniuk

I've been thinking a lot of thoughts recently. And many of these thoughts are not thought. They are said first then they travel from sound to my ears and then to my head. I then realise that I have said them. Some of these thoughts seem profound to me. They may not be new but they carry with them the feeling that they are not as trivial as thoughts, they are more internal like realisations, discoveries I'm making for myself like experiences. One such thought happened at the terrace today. I looked at a bright star and another star close to it, they formed a line and they seemed to urge me to think that they are pointing to something else. I followed the trail and it did actually lead to another star. I looked around and before I could think I said that isn't it strange that every dot IS connected to another dot with a line. Every dot is connected to another dot in space. Every dot is connected to every other dot by a line. All things no matter where they are situated in space or time are connected by something as simple as one straight line. Hari, then said that the line IS the shortest distance between two dots. This is true, but something else.
It makes me picture things as a grid of lines which change with every flutter of an eyelid. I am and you are at this moment connected to every other thing that exists or existed by one simple line. What is far? or another side of a planet to us then?
I can go on and on and for me it still remains important. (and I'm not stoned)
I have also convinced myself of the fact that there is something else somewhere out of my physical vision that is happening and this happening is not in the sense of regular events. Its a feeling of a space somewhere where I am not. The feelings are of a distant Aazaan and the setting of the sky and the smell of the air of a place I know not where. The 'happening' is that place and that particular space with its conditions. I withdraw from whereever I am to connect to this other space and people think I'm not interested in what they are saving. This I must admit is not very far from the truth.
What is far?





PS: After looking at a lava lamp right now I think as B grade and cheesy as they are they are still poetic in their movement.

Ahem... Yes, Hello.

I have been away, dancing. Dancing 8 hrs a day, feeling nothing but pain for a month which began on the 14th of September. For the first week I thought the teachers just looked through me. I wasn't noticed, important or even there in the same space. Then things got a little better but these "things" always change before you get comfortable with them. Each day is discovery, innovation and pages of explanations to self why what I'm doing should be done, why I must not feel unloved. Its strange and has stopped surprising me how I link everything to love. Everything from the time I wake up to the cheese I eat, to my dirty socks speak of love. I've been craving hugs. I've been repeating myself. I watched a couple of movies- Dr. Strangelove and how I began to love the bomb, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and The Secret (all thanks to Mr. Generous and Art of Living Guru - Hari)Movies help. You live in them and get love, get laid or even dumped and you feel you lived a little.

Attakkalari has a darkish area for us to sit when we are not dancing. The place has no windows. But the seniors! I find each guy cute. Last night at the terrace I was telling Krushna and Avni, my flatmates how after a point everything or every kind of guy is cute. The guy who knows only Malu and very little english is cute, the guy who is bald is cute, the guy who has a girlfriend is uncontrollably adorable, the guy I'm being teased with is interesting because he doesn't talk to me. We walk into the same room with high tension like elastic strings tugging at our eyelids. Its all so... cute. All said, they are all happy in their lives and so am I trying to be. They have really good bodies :P

Besides this my flatmates find me incredibly amusing. They think I'm some puppet wound and let loose to entertain unconsciously, involuntarily.

I find my sentences difficult to make. I want to do some of those exercises we did in school.
Make sentences with :
1. love.
2. pot.
3. dance.
4. fridge.
because I don't get to talk much. Except this loop of thoughts in my head.

I also want an internet condition and an exotic holiday to an exotic country.
till then,
I have feet to dance,
yours truly,
miss unedited.