words on god between James and me

a few days ago, James Healy, the famous Irish poet and me got into a heavy email battle sort of discussion about the ultimate. Not that discussing it would make it change or anything, but this is something that has been in my immediate environment, surrounding me and on my mind.
No resolve or conclusion, just a healthy long process and meditation. I'm not looking for any answers. there is just one. it is the question and the answer.
anyway, before I go off the track again this is email that seemed to have been the last email on the matter between James and me. I was hoping it would be something he would say.. something new for me to hear.. but rereading this makes me think I haven't actively thought this before.

From: Chamko Rani

To: James
Sent: Friday, April 23, 2010 12:28 PM
Subject: Re: the wonder of you


James,
I see no falsehood in jesus.
but everything around him is very much full of power games and trouble.
i see no need to fear and hence i fear no satanic concept.
hence, i dont look to a good or prophet for protection from the evils that may exist in the world.
god is existence for me and god is consciousness.
and i repeat god is a celebration for this miracle that is our planet and our life.
god is beyond an identity and which is why it is difficult for me to say jesus is the only true god, or only god or anything.
im not saying jesus is not god.. but everything is.
why is it so important to accept what is in the bible or around as the only truth?
why is it that beliefs are right or wrong and not personal?
the sun and the moon and the earth are not christian or hindu or whatever so why do we have to be?
and these are the creators of strong influences over our lives.

all i know is i wouldn't limit god to something. and exclude something from god.. because this is what comes very naturally to me. i think what is most natural is most closest to god.
like a leaf, like a flower. man has moved furtherest and tried to convince himself that he is the closest because he is "more conscious".
these are merely reflections of the ego.

this is not a discussion about atheists nor about different religions. i'm talking about all beliefs that make us powerless, and following that try to make us superior.
progress and civilsation, power and religion need to be reconsidered.

god is in the small things.
god is personal.
im not waiting for jesus to show up.
he is right here in me.

i have no real words to explain further.. neither am i interested in discussing god in words.. or arguing about him/her/it/everything intellectually.
the mind is a minute part of our body that has gained supremacy over the rest of us, just like the power and finances and decision making of the world int he hands of the few.
i now understand why a completely natural life and a life away from massaging the grey matter of the mind is almost impossible, because religion art, celebration and even communication experience have become extremely mindful- mindless. in all of this the heart is lost.
the heart doesn't reason, the heart feels. and if one wants to know god.. one can't reason him out.. one can't find him in words. one can't understand him.. once feels him, one experiences him. because one is him. this life is a matrix and within this matrix we have symbols for god, we have words for him and jesus christ, allah and ram are these indirect ways of reaching him.
the way to god is with eyes closed. inside oneself, through oneself, through what is most natural and what is closest to god, and away from civilisation and the man-made world.
but god is everywhere and surely you can reach him through music, through prayer, through chanting, through physical mortification, through abstenance, through sacrifice, through religion.
but you can also reach him ways that respect your body, your mind, respect nature, respect your natural desires and instincts.
you also reach him through love.

D

.

found somewhere on the internet

today

the harmony of the heart is hidden
beneath these layers of table manners,
polite excuse mes at every sneeze
and every not required apologetic email.
let go of people who are your life's motifs
and look clearly at the space you're in.
the room, the doors, the corners, the beams,
the chair, the rickshaw.

see the tiny life of your present moment
like an earthworm crawling,
against the mammoth that is your past
like the frozen Everest.

and breathe.
breathe in that which truly is..
around you, over you beneath you.
that which sits silent in your pain,
that which sits silent in your numbness,
that which hides in your love,
that which exists no matter
where your awareness rushes to.
why fight the world's pain for them?
why pity and why cure?
what lies true, lies inside you and you alone.

I feel different everyday.

I notice in your silent stare a question and a blame.
For surely, if i feel truly everyday my changing feelings,
you can call me flaky and fickle.
I notice in my changing feeling a quivering shy need to be true.
And this truth is not in any alignment with any idea, a mental vision of what should be, what must be.. or a judgement.
Not an idea of truth, but the feeling itself, a physical feeling of knowing, of not knowing so much as much as being. May be its as simple as feeling comfortable, having no doubt, or a just an impulse.
And right now, for some given reason that changes everyday.
Just as every breath leaves us and another breath draws in a different breeze, a different scent, we are constantly moving.
To believe I feel the same way everyday about the same people everyday is probably close to living small lies. Why don't we refresh our love everyday? We don't need an old memory to justify why and how we feel for a person. To figure, to calculate whether they deserve our trust or love or company. Why don't we live a string of moments reacting instantly, living ourselves like we want to be, in every little slice of today.
Noticing things around us, knowing and accepting them, living them wholly.
Surely there is something innate about him or her that every changing feeling will also find constant. May be just saying I love you (today) is enough.
We pull the reins of our free feeling horses
to control and predict our feelings every moment, to live as the same person we were yesterday.
To maintain one soul through the many years we live, to keep one identity perhaps.

what is this worth?

the return of the chamko in the rani

I didn't blog for a long time now.. simply because words didn't seem to be my way of communicating anymore. Specially the written word. I much preferred to spend my days in Goa meeting faces and hands, touching and dancing. Conversations charged with presence, instead of this internet absence. But I decide to return to this blog, just as suddenly as I left it.
Perhaps its a place for me to digest my experience. Perhaps not.
I've been watching my uncle walking around the house wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm blogging this right now" on the back. I'm sure its my sister's doing. She is a net junky and makes money of it too.

Things that have made me think of gargling out blog posts have been in and around Delhi - the family wedding, the family atmosphere, Delhi's civil war situation, the "fantastic" weather conditions and lack of anyone around to talk to. I don't know which part of Delhi is people friendly or inspiring or enjoyable. Perhaps inside your air conditioned room, with you wifi internet and blackberry close by, it is close to enjoyable.. but if one wants to step outside, Delhi is living hell.

I've been reading avidly and have now decided to compile a sex education sort of session for schools in Delhi.. inspired by my facebook addicted little sister. Anyone interested in donating ideas is deeply thanked.