Thursday, May 03, 2007
I've been doing things. Looking at everyone move ahead in life while I idle away my youth. Usually it wouldn't bother me to idle away my youth, I think myself privileged but now free time to think is trouble. I sleep to escape and find myself awake way to early everyday. My life is number on the postcrossing site. All that makes me happy is when someone gets a postcard and I get to ask for another address to send a postcard to. Nothing excites me, not ice cream, not shopping, not music. Movies affect, ice cream cools me down and interesting members of the opposite sex offer conversation and an escape, but thats not enough. But this can't be me. What's wrong? I don't know. Another dream with an elevator, hair cut by a friend who was doing it for the first time, hot days, no mother at home. I've been doing things I say. But I don't want to tell you. I will anyway, because I'm pathetic. I talk in riddles instead. I don't like you much. You listen and you run away. You never hug or hold or talk or call. I can be happy I know, but I'm not. I can be happy (may be) without all of you but I rather be with you. I realise I'm not prepared to be alone. I can't be. But I should be, because You will not be there. No particular you, just all of you.
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Dear Chamki, I think you're wrong. Wrong about you and wrong about "us". First, you're not pathetic, just going through a bad phase. As to us, we don't listen and then run away, no, we always come back. True, no hugs or callings, but I dare say we know more about you, how you feel, what you long for in life, than many (maybe most) of your relatives and friends. And we always come back, to listen and to talk, even if through a keybord. We're all real people, even if we can't actually see each other. Think about it. And also that idling isn't necessarily a bad thing, only if you feel bad about it. You're such a creative and generous person, try to focus your energy on something that has real meaning to you and you'll see others will respond too. You'll get out of this, I know that!
ReplyDeleteThanks Pequete.
ReplyDeleteYou just said so much through that. The easiest thing is to give a hug and say "I understand". And yet, so many times we dont. I don't know why.
ReplyDeleteI want to say that I do. Just as a start. Even if it makes no difference.
*Hugs* :)
For a moment, I thought I was reading something I had written myself. Pathetic is probably the 1st word I'd use to describe myself but we can't let ourselves believe it's true. We're probably afraid of not being good enough and we try to hide on the little things that make us happy - that's not wrong, maybe it is even necessary.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have much to give and the ability to be happy and successful even...but I'm not I'll ever be able to let it all come through...I hope soon you'll feel that it's time to be happy and that you can do it :) sincerely!
HI Chamki
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you. I have met you before by seeing your comments elsewhere and by seeing this blog which is just a small window to you...just from that alone I know you are interesting and talented and real.
I am so excited to participate in the traveling journal...
feel free to email me anytime you are in the mood...I see our names are linked...
Mahima sent you the same message with our emails I gather...
you are brave here in this post...I think I know what you mean...there are times when I feel I am "forgotten"...when I feel I am the proactive one, more than others...and I think...what is going on? was it a dream...and is the reality that I am more alone than connected....(this is not how I feel today, but it wasn't long ago)
But I feel better about going on with my own desires...whether it be just resting and doing nothing much, or doing something on my own, or even with reaching out to talk to someone...but it "works" better now for me...as I reach out...I am not expecting...I have less disappointment...and time confirms to me that I am not different from others...that I can be brave to just act on my feelings and know that this may confirm what I think or may lead to surprise...and eventually I will feel it easier to trust my own intuition...
but more and more I think....these feelings are o.k, and understandable, and not indicating anything about me or anyone...and it is not too hard...not too easy...but showing the love...with time will bring it all back to you...and it(what others do or not, say or not) isn't all about you or me..
Not pathetic....perfect...perfectly YOU!(but I know that you already know this message is a trick or question of the mind...and why not...I think it is one that many hear now and again?)_
..now is a perfect opportunity to see the view/change it? take down some curtains? just kidding ;)..to see what is a dream made up of things that masquerade as truth... and to remember that other people are living with their dreams...as you make your own dreams others will see and may be inspired to dream with you..may wake from a dream to be open to something "better"..(I just finished reading The Four Agreements and the word dream is probably the most widely used one in the book!)
I like to hear about the dreams we have when we sleep...and what meaning, if there is any, people get from them....hope you will soon have some pleasant dreams...or interesting ones;)...the ones you mention sound interesting.
quiet time...alone...time to think..recharge...time to wonder...but I hope you will wonder more now about what you desire, miss, want to be....and resist judging YOU.
You see--I sometimes comment with what hits me, so to speak, at the time knowing that it may have meaning to you or not....
it will be good. : )
do you use Namaste as greetings much?
Ah to be young again (I think to myself...but share with you; )
with warm wishes,
Jen
p.s. I like devil moods comment ...some of what I wanted to say, but sometimes "talk around"
Devil mood > I haven't thought beyond pathetic and needy. Its not me who thinks of myself like this in isolation. I think so because other people react in a way that makes me assume I must be pathetic and needy, wanting them to talk to them. I want to talk to people when I'm happy, when I'm not. And not just anybody. Its not about getting the words out.
ReplyDeleteI don't entirely believe that I've lost my ability to make people happy but its just that I need to adjust it, reform it, revise it to the kind that doesn't make me expect ANYTHING in return. Right now what I expect is that since I'm there for someone and more than one person, somewhere somewhere will be there for me. (this sounds like a byline for a famous Hindi blockbuster movie.But thats exactly what I crave. Crave has the right intensity for what I'm talking about.)
Jen > Namaste! (most people don' use Namaste, but I still do for elders in my family and for parents of friends.)
You do know what I mean. The proactive one soon becomes the pushy one to the needy one, to the mentally ill to the WE-NEED-TO-GET-AWAY-FROM-HER and WE-NEED-TO-STOP-TAKING-HER-CALLS. Jen, i've stopped feeling confident and every time i say it to someone all I feel is pathetic. Rebuilding the foundations of the word in me. I hate to have to come down to using the internet to discuss these things, but the truth is that I see no one around. No moment for me to talk.
Thank you, you help me articulate my quick vapourising thoughts.
Cant help sounding like a plumber, but.. Stick through.Flow.Its that time.It shall pass.It has to.*hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou need to go to Goa and get stoned...out of your mind stoned...trust me on this one...life gets sorted in Goa ....
ReplyDeletebugs.honey > I saw a movie and it had the same effect on me. I listen to music and dance a bit and I'm stoned. trust me on this.
ReplyDeleteGoa was on the agenda, but I think its going to be Shillong.
I'm sorry for the idling away your youth remark. I really am. Please don't think so much about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd we all love you. The problem with life isn't the lack of love, it's that love isn't enough.
*hug*
Shared earphones on a breezy bandstand evening? Would you care to partake? It's the little I have to offer but I hope it helps.
nandan> Don't be sorry, its something I needed to hear.
ReplyDeleteI'll be glad to share headphones again. We must meet you nut nut.