greek love

this love for you I have is
greek love. Because
there isn't one word
to say what this love
for you means,
so I thought better to give away
a few more than one.

this love I have for you is
greek love. Because
you dubbed me Aphrodite
and I wished we were
platonic.
this love for you is greek, definitely.

Agape, a gaping hole that
that consumes us in dark when
we are close
and shines the light on the distance.
Eros, for we love truly , only when
we are away.

this love is greek for sure, says Aristotle.
Philia, a general type love from a bottle
strong enough to suffer for,
weak enough to stay nameless.
this love is love as much love
as love in love can be.
storge or thelema or khaos
this love I have for you is,
greek positively.
(because i just don't get it.)

big spam

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**

I think I meet great people, even intelligent and talented. The problem is that they meet me

end of chapter

To "gift for him",
sorry if i have been bothering you with random emails.
perhaps it was my unconsious that has been throwing things at me.
but in a conversation I realised may be what began 2 weeks ago.
You remember i wrote you an email about you and your boy.
well, ive been talking about myself,
ive been having more dreams,
even visions while watching TV and things..
and it was talking about me as much as it was talking about you.

i'll cut it short.
that something that popped out of the picture
I saw of you and "the boy who won the moon",
I saw it again today
was this energy..
it felt like what you had found,
what nidhi had found in milan
was a soulmate.

just a simple thing.
like two puzzle peices
that fit perfectly together
very unpoetic imagery i know..

in korea ive thought about **** and ***** a lot.
when i was in hospital
the thoughts that crossed me were
if this is how i would leave the world,
what would i have left my loved ones?
in my love for perfection, for bettering myself
i expect others to do the same as well..
pretty much a kind of plato or hitler.
ive watched TV about chimpanzees and their sexual selection
about selecting superior genes and better mates..
about hitler wanting a superior race.
and im just like them.

but im not perfect.
no way.
i wasnt turning people down.
i can't.
but i was guilty in my heart.
of that unsure reason
that made me say no to the best people ive ever met.

ive always wanted to meet someone
i could spend endless time with
someone with a love of nature
with a song in his heart
not afraid to share his emotions
and then i said no
i dont love you.
and let him slip away.
and it killed me till today..
but today i realised i only said those
because i didnt think i was his soulmate.
because there was love and warmth
and care and fights and issues
and selfishness from my side.

and its the same with *****

there is all this inarticulate rubbish in my head.
but its only an effort to love and respect.
i just wish i would consistently wake up saner and better
and not fall into the depths of my self created hell.

inshah allah.
lotsa love
and thanks for listening,
just felt i needed to tell you this to end the
chapter that began with the email about your picture.

dee

in the heart of the seed.

I want to say a lot of things that may not sound best when written as they are. But this is what my mind wants said so I shall say them . I wonder how important attraction is in our interactions with people. Why it shapes our love and why hormones play such an important role. Why is it that somebody I think extremely precious and close I am not attracted to, as if there is a purity of the love I have for them , like a sibling I want to share all my time and energy but may not share a bed. And those who I very willingly undress for are not the best of people, but their simplicity and smallest effort are enough to convince me.
It is as if someone who is closer to goodness I expect more of, and someone who is closer to a world of immediate gratification can make the slightest effort towards good and be appreciated by me.
Who am I ? some sort of judge or queen?
Why is it important for me to be possessed by you and you alone and why is it that we cannot be individuals who learn from each other each day. If you give me, my free will, without pressure there is no limit to our love and more importantly our friendship. I hope you still think of friendship as a word of value. Why is it not enough that we learn our lessons from each other?
I see love and lovemaking are equally important. I see that attraction is a sign that assures us, or the lack of it is a sign that says something is not as it seems. What the mind doesn't know the body knows. Then why can't we just hold hands and watch sunsets for a while, not expecting a postcard of lovers at the horizon, romanticizing ourselves. Wouldn't we be more true to ourselves and the moment if we let it tell us who we are than defining it ourselves?
I know this is of little consequence when compared to the worlds problems, but this is at the heart of many things. This problem of playing roles in peoples lives, defining how they should function or how we should function in theirs, creates a distance and takes away from the honesty we are capable of.
why can't we speak again and grow old just as we are?
a step ahead of each other, never together.

to you, who is exempt from death

I think always,
of the power that made me
say the last no i said to you.
of the courage sudden and born in me
to push those words out.
I think always,
of how it would be,
if we stayed close enough to touch
but not kiss,
to discover what we loved
and hated before we separated.
I wish in the whiteness of your room,
I found a space next to you,
just by your side
to see the world
the way you saw it.
I wish we could be people who loved.
instead of trying to be the ones
in love.

I wish we helped each other
as much we help those around us.
what is it about us that makes us, us?

stale pizza decisions

some decisions are better
if made a day later..
like stale pizza tastes better reheated
the next morning.