Just a quick one to say what I feel about what I'm doing when I'm performing.

I said a little while back, that you can be an activist, fighter pilot, doctor saving million lives and I could be an insignificant, often injured performer, offering only a few moments of intrigue or beauty.. but we are all here to learn our lessons and there is nothing more real than that.

So I just want to say my very fresh thoughts about the stage and me. I felt, today, sitting in the theatre in Seoul like I was 60 and looking back at what I've done with the stage so far. Although I've just shaken hands with Mr. Stage. really. I could say meeting the stage was pretty much meeting my first boyfriend. I fell in love not knowing what it was really about (with the stage and the boy roughly the same time) At first i was fascinated with this thing called performance, because everyone was and there was nothing majorly wrong about it so why not be fascinated.. then there was a time when the stage was there and I wasn't sure about what I could do with it. Today, when I walked into the theatre I was happy to have all these thoughts melt away. Today, when the lights came on me and my injured body ( not as scary as it sounds.. well so far.. i'm fine) I knew what to do here, I knew I'm here because I can do something with this, and that 6 years of waiting around prompting lines, lifting staircases dressed in all black, putting flowers in green rooms, designing costumes and peering from the light room to hear the cue have not disappeared into nothingness. Today, there was a playfulness. There was no distance between me and the stage, a cold uncomfortable one, or the strangeness of the eyes behind the curtain of light. I was there to say something and it was as real as sitting across you at a table telling you a story.

Making a dance piece or working on a play didn't feel a big thing. I'm always iffy about a new book of white pages. As much as I want the newness I'm afraid I wont be able to go through the whole thing, keep myself consistent and finish it. Just like a dance peice, now I know slowly putting things together isn't tough and I can do it.

No performance can wholly contain a performer, its a slice of what we can do and sometimes like in my case, you can only do a slice.

i tried to refrain..

but I really want to sign off as Peena Ouch.

(like Pina Bausch you know)