The pressure and the expectation of the 300th post has prevented me from writing anything for the blog these days. I thought about what is interesting enough to blog and mark as the 300th. Well… the answer I got is my life! My life, at least to me is or should be of primary concern. With great difficulty I shut out people who are not into me but occupy too much mental space and began writing this post. This post is meant to be like one of my free writing sessions for my Stream Of Consciousness book. This post is timed, I write all that I can think about in 10 minutes. I talk about what realizations I had had recently, being 20 something now.
To list them roughly
- I don’t think finding love is going to be easy. With more and more people shaking my belief in something called love I doubt sometimes (brief but significant) its existence. It is too complicated and calculated now. I don’t know how I can fall crazy in love with anyone now, knowing what happened in the past. I do fall in love with people all the time. Several at the same time even. But they…
- I don’t have any friends. A few genuine people who love me but live far away in time and space. A few who I may be separated from in the coming months. A few who I think are friends but are really not. A few whom I upgrade to being a friend too soon and get disappointed by. A few who just don’t care but hang around. Mahima, Pallavi are there I know. I hope we can keep in touch later.
- At the end of the day, I am lonely. Not one, but in a sense half. Half of me against me.
- Everyday I break and build and break again.
- I’m saturated with philosophy, Chinese food, my daily commute and being lovesick.
- I am sticky. I cling to people who don’t really like me and then force them to like me. I hate them because they don’t like me enough. I hate myself really.
- I want to spend most nights on the road, walking and singing.
- I don’t know what I plan.
- I can never plan.
- There are a few people I really love and I show them that.
- There are very few people who want to be loved.
Awww...
ReplyDelete***Hugs***
Cheer up. :)
You didn't edit it at all?
ReplyDeleteNot even the spellings? Or the punctuation?
I love you just for the spellings. And the punctuation.
And don't count how many posts there are. I never do. It's like that stupid orkut. People leave me scraps because they compete to see how many scraps they can get in return. It's stupid. The world is stupid. Just be happy you can write and draw and smile and no one is going to stop you. (Except perhaps the Government of India on a whimsical misadventure in censorship).
I wish you never have to write a book about yourself, coz I'll probably have to sue you for plagiarism :)
ReplyDeleteTarot
Colour
Chamki
Plans
Love
Theatre!
all, all of it~
-V
V?
ReplyDeleteKiddo?
thanks for the love Nonedone and V.
ReplyDeleteI'll be glad to write about other people. I think writing about oneself is easy.
several things,
ReplyDeletein my usual style:
lists:
* finding love:
dunno if its every easy, even the first time. maybe less spontaneous. but still worthwhile.
and get the word love-sick out of your menal dictionary. the word is love-ing.
* friends: at one point, i thought, the older we get, the harder it gets to find friends. its the other way round. the older we get, we more capable we are of finding our friends, and keeping them. making meaningful encounters. hen we're younger, our friends are shaped only my proximity and maybe parents. lol (refer to anita and me). keep looking. keep expanding your circle. meet new people every week.
(p.s. this may also be a bonus in the love department)
* i hope we can keep in touch too!