The pressure and the expectation of the 300^th post has prevented me from writing anything for the blog these days. I thought about what is interesting enough to blog and mark as the 300^th. Well… the answer I got is my life! My life, at least to me is or should be of primary concern. With great difficulty I shut out people who are not into me but occupy too much mental space and began writing this post. This post is meant to be like one of my free writing sessions for my Stream Of Consciousness book. This post is timed, I write all that I can think about in 10 minutes. I talk about what realizations I had had recently, being 20 something now.

To list them roughly

• I don’t think finding love is going to be easy. With more and more people shaking my belief in something called love I doubt sometimes (brief but significant) its existence. It is too complicated and calculated now. I don’t know how I can fall crazy in love with anyone now, knowing what happened in the past. I do fall in love with people all the time. Several at the same time even. But they…
• I don’t have any friends. A few genuine people who love me but live far away in time and space. A few who I may be separated from in the coming months. A few who I think are friends but are really not. A few whom I upgrade to being a friend too soon and get disappointed by. A few who just don’t care but hang around. Mahima, Pallavi are there I know. I hope we can keep in touch later.
• At the end of the day, I am lonely. Not one, but in a sense half. Half of me against me.
• Everyday I break and build and break again.
• I’m saturated with philosophy, Chinese food, my daily commute and being lovesick.
• I am sticky. I cling to people who don’t really like me and then force them to like me. I hate them because they don’t like me enough. I hate myself really.
• I want to spend most nights on the road, walking and singing.
• I don’t know what I plan.
• I can never plan.
• There are a few people I really love and I show them that.
• There are very few people who want to be loved.

Ok. 10 minutes up. I can’t edit it so… best of luck guys

Men, relationships and the things that never end

Sister: I want things clear and i tried my best to keep them that way.
Me: I think combed hair and clean things mess up first.

I'm giving up.
Again.

Last night's reading with M

This is my mind in tarot. Anyone is free to do a reading.
These are the reasons I have been like I have been.
The cards in the top row are how I am on the outside and
how am I dealing with what I feel.
The card at the base is the subconscious reason for the state.

The reading I got said
I am making large issues small.
Avoiding them. Not facing them.

All the cards in the reading are major arcana.
This says a lot in itself.

Fingers crossed.
Chamki.

Oh Look!

Fishing : updated.
WORDS ON RENT: new link added. Waterless.

A life in conversation

It's true. My life is my conversations. At a cafe, for hours with a friend who says he is a good listener. He is. Chatting with a friend online, for hours, about work, life, lack of love, money and tarot. Emails to friends far away, every morning, some in the evenings too. Phone calls to eastern cities, to the south of my city. Endless conversation with myself. Talking to my plants, singing, bathing them, even having a tea party. Praying. Talking to the angels, to the moon every night and the sun each morning. Bathing. Yes bathing is talking too. Conversations with people who don't write to me. People who are far yet near. I can talk to them, all the time. Smiles. Sitting quiet. Sitting quiet is saying most, even things you wouldn't say. Talking to the girls at dance class. Making jokes about the real issues. The occassional conversations with parents. Usually they aren't conversations. And conversations with you. Here.

Jyoti,
I stayed out in the night
later than usual today
and thought of our chats at night
at the swing.
I miss you.
Come back soon.

A recent survey (in my head) shows that the degree of your common cold is directly proportional to the love of warm hugs in your life.

That's how I am so sick!

On a day like today

Emails from far away lands
US and Ireland
Lotsa love to share with
All the people I pass.
The watchman gets a smile, not just a nod,
The conductor gets a smile too!
The canteen wala gets a little conversation,
The messages are filled with hugs and "love you!"
The bus ride makes me want to get a massage but...
All ends well when Chamki walks home in time for dinner
With bags full of mags!
Thank you for the love, my angels.
Thank you.
On a day like today,
Here is some homework for all of you who read the blog.
Go to the folder where you save your music on your computer.
Do a search for the words that make your day today.
Any word about your day.
I did KISS ,SMILE and BACK
My play list looks like this.
KISS
KISS FROM A ROSE
WE KISS IN A SHADOW
BITTER KISS
AND THEN YOU KISSED ME
GUILTY KISSES
SMILE
GOD PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE
SMILE
SMILES
HOLLABACK GIRL
COMING BACK TO LIFE
SEXY BACK
IN THE BACK SEAT
LOVER, COME BACK TO ME
BACK TO LIFE

Go ahead try it. It'’s the littlest thing you can do
To make a more happy you.

20 NOV 06

This moment like every other. Futile

evaporate.
thoughts
My
sorrows.
Vague
life.
like
Can't
draw.
Can't
write
Can't
now.
me
inspire
to
seems
Nothing

The Promise of the Machine

A machine has never touched us so intimately before
Just as I realize that we run for the ineffable to the computer
I also realize how it fails to marvel us
like the real pink skies
how it fails to astound our solitude
like the long shadows of trees;
the computer is at best a vain promise
and the blog is a green leaf of light
which never shrivels or grows soft
but becomes leaden with a heavy death.
There are so many minds trying to trap the spark
so many hearts bouncing off the monitors
and even as they don’t belong, they hang on
like bees flying for the sun
get wound up in the glitter of a sunlit web.

-Ankur Betagiri

Thank you Ankur
for this gift on a not-so-good day.

Bits of writing that never made it to the blog

This November
It rains strange.
The moon a chalice,
Fills up bright
Ambiguous glow light.
The cable wires
Cut right through
My grey and white
Night sky view.
The words, they hang
Just above my head
like buzzing mosquitoes.
Faint meanings and sounds.
The day sliced into two
One you love
One you do.
The world seems a cold and broken hallelujah
and life a play within a play.

***

Some evenings you wake up to find yourself a year ahead.
The season has changed.

***
Some days you wish you could believe its ok to run away.

Sleeping in worry isn't sleeping really.

See you at 8, A.K.

A.K.
My chitter chatter at night
My twinkly moonlight
My reason to debate
and create
You are often late
But worth the wait.
Don’t worry about the weight
Or the fate.
There are things larger
Than things we hate.
They are things
Greater than great,
All out to help us
Find our soul mate.

Mail to: Jay Healy

Jay
My morning delight
My substitute sunlight
My reason to wake
Sweet like
Seasonal cake
Don’t stay up too late
Go to sleep
For the world’s a better place
In your dreams

This night blue and grey

This night
Blue and grey
Spent tracing
Aeroplanes.
This night
Blue and grey
Spent chasing
Cars.
This night
Blue and grey
Spent staring
at stars.
This night
Blue and grey
Spent weaving
word with word.
This night
Blue and grey
Spent with music
Never heard.
This night
Blue and grey is
Spent waiting
For the sun.

Alone tonight

Tiny yellow specks of light
Against the dark
A million windows
each a house,
each a home
to people alone
in the night
alone tonight.

Pink Nights

Many nights
I have spent staring out
into the sky.
Not a starry sky,
A cloudy pink.
Pretty nevertheless.
I wish to walk out
of my home
and feel the night breeze
walk the empty streets
soak the pink sky
and the full moon.
Drive to a place far away
sing along the way
Lie on grass
and count the stars.
Dim your lamps ,
let the night shine.
I want to see the stars
on the shivering lake.
The fireflies, the twinkle
of the candle-light in your eyes.
I want to climb a mountain,
hold the moon in my spoon
greedy gobble, chew, plate,
phew!
I want to make the sky my slate,
scribble, draw, doodle
Oh Mumma it's not too late!

To 'M'
Thank you

* for liking your coffee like a piggie
* for meeting me and meeting me again till we became friends
* for telling me about the far-away wonderland Nepal
* for talking tarot
* for doing endless readings about my love-sick life
* for all the oil head massages
* for sharing your ideas, your world, your head and your hostel room...
* for the once in a while song on the i-pod (Don McLean never made me cry outside before)
* for your lurve
* for the little good morning inspire card (with the correct spelling on it)
* for pushing Pallavi and Surabhi out of their rooms
* for discovering the coffee guy for us
* for the journals
* for X,Y,Z (things we don't know yet)
* for Bhon, bhawn etc
* for prayers
* for the little pink finger thing!
* for being our angel

and FOR CALLING ME TO NEPAL!

Ace of pentacles - my day card!
- new job, money, opportunity!
and look at the fortune!
I'm waiting!