All the lonely people with Eleanor Rigby

There is magic in a brief moment when you are riding double seat with a friend on a motorbike and blow a kiss to someone who least expects it. That’s what I did today.

Parry heard all that I had to say about all the lonely people and where they all come from. About how I wish I could meet a fellow loner and end our loneliness. We, that’s Parry and me, along with Eleanor Rigby took few rounds of Carter Road. On our way, -I don’t remember if it was Parry’s idea of your silly giggly’s- but we decided if I pass a cute guy and if he is looking at me at that precise auspicious moment of time, I shall blow him a kiss. We passed thin-bearded-smoking-eating-sad-looking away-with girl friend –too busy to bother- Ipoding- not interesting-lean- hunk-jogger-sandwich wala- waiting at bus stop- whistling- till we got to cute-and-looking-at-me!

There he was, smiling at me. I smiled looking back at him even after we had passed him. But I couldn't do it.

Another try it had to be. He was worth it. It was going to be HIM. The second time we were passing, he was looking right at me. The stars above were trying their best to create the right moment, build the right mood for yours truly to deliver the bliss. All the corny things right in place. And then… I blew a cute little kiss!!!

I looked away. I couldn't look at him. He was with his friends! Wonder what he thought! Parry, being sweet as he is, took the bike up the hill to Pali to avoid further discussion on the effect of a kiss on the cute boy’s psyche.

March 19^th 2007.

Last night a curly long-haired Punjabi boy with the girl with the biggest smile ever were seen riding past lonely men in dark streets, singing,

All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?

An inquiry has been set up by BRA (Bandra Resident’s Association) to end such ill behavior. Although nothing concrete can be said our sources reveal this could have something to do with the Indian Cricket team’s recent loss or the decreasing number of stray dogs in the locality.

The pink page is a scan of a journal
page about lonely time at Oval Maidan yesterday.
Not the best scan, but I'm feeling lazy and drunk under
the influence of the kiss!

At Loony's post Now Hush, 'cause you don't matter
I wrote the following comment. The post is about the recent happening at Nandigram and her city. My comment is

Chamki said... I don't know much about your city and what the thinking is. Living in Bombay all my life, in a cocooned house, I have tried to understand things from the newspapers and TV but I don't. I never seem to understand what the ideology is and how people are applying it. May be studying philosophy has got something to do with it. I'm used to a method of understanding.

Because what I study is not a point of view or at least it isn't proposed as a point of view. But in the news and TV what I see or hear is a point of view, of the government and/or people, parties, parents. I know an ideology or a philosophy is also not God-sent. It is ultimately one man's idea but it is described completely, explicitly in a certain way with patience. In real life I find it so difficult to form my opinion because I constantly feel I don't know enough.

Illo Friday quickie

Attempts at illo Friday after reeaaalllly long. These quick sketches will be followed by more work toward illo Friday once exams are done and gone.
Total time taken to do these = 2 mins.

click to enlarge images.

Days seem too fragmented to write anything concrete. Rambles are all that can be. Todays alphabet is 'E'

Experimenta is here again. So first, I want to say that anyone who is anywhere in Bombay or nearby should get to Max Muller Bhavan tomorrow onwards till this Sunday at 6:30 in the evening to watch a great line up of experimental films. These include films that are silent, short and/or without narrative (for a better idea check this) The theme this year is Exploring Space so it moves beyond projection on the flat screen and other spaces like the audience space and the mind space of the member in the audience are also under discussion. It is also free of cost! You can buy their programme and contribute a Rs. 50. I shall try to share my thoughts about the films I saw recently.( I said try...)

Exams are in a week. I'm watching a film festival and continuing with my Yoga class. I think a number doesn't define who I am and what I am capable of. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up either. I have simply realised that I'm not motivated because I don't value it enough. I know giving an exam and scoring well means much within the structure and being in the system is changing the system but I have also learnt over the years that this year, this moment is NOW. I value my life enough to make it better every moment , enough to live it the way I want to live it. Everyday, following my 10 commandments makes me feel good because I finally get over the 'Chalta hai' attitude. Now is this 'chalta hai' meddling with my exams? Well... as I said I'm not letting go, I'm studying, knowing how much this matters to me.

End. Some patterns are coming to an end today. Letting go of a certain somebody. Giving space to breathe. Sharing thoughts a little less with people and more on blog. Journalling more. Spending much more time with self. Checking for honesty. Realised that I'm so honest sometimes and so pushy with it that I make people run away. I tell them what they don't want to hear. Well, I have to say it, but now I plan to keep people a little away. Lets see how long this one lasts. End is for this year. Education. College life. Home life.

chamki

Wow!
Today must be a strange planetary alignment.
I actually said
We all have our quirks. I'm proud of mine.
How often do I say these things?
How often can we say things that we really believe
but aren't modest.
Saying these things doesn't make us modest
but not saying them doesn't make us honest either.
We will not say something if it projects us to be good or better
we will dig a big pit and sit right in the centre of it till someone
notices and 'discovers' our talent. Till they find out we must sit
in a corner and quietly upload our work on blogs, or flickr?
That's just sad. I have made a long list of compliments I have got
and I believe them. I believe it when people say I look pretty and that my
blog is interesting. I believe I am talented, I don't care if you don't say it.
I have shut out things like 'You can never act. You don't have it in you. You have no spark'
Confidence, my sister is in belief. Believe in yourself. You are truly beautiful. Nothing in this world is worth your sad face.
Today, I pray for all of us who don't want to believe that we are good, talented, honest, genuine, even gifted because it might slow us down. Remember even psychology suggests reward for motivation.

So first comes the riddle. The little shape contains a riddle which needs to be solved. Chamko Rani offers a prize to the 1st lucky winner. The prize shall be mailed. (I promise I'll post it. I have millions of unposted letters to everyone.)
Then comes Chamko Rani's new agenda: RHYME FOR THE HECK OF IT.
What will follow this is a series of very silly poems which seem like they were written when you're drunk.

For example:

Jingle’s Jungle Uncle
Juxtaposed Jerusalem’s mumble
A few fumbles
A few grumbles
And Jingle’s jungle Uncle finally proposed.

Jingle’s Jungle
Would be – would not be Aunt,
Said she can’t
I think this poem is a plant.
No more blabber ?
Ok! I shan’t.

feel free to RHYME FOR THE HECK OF IT.

My best friends

My feet always before my eyes.
My feet have no disguise.
They don't hide.
They run, they fight
the dust
the hurt
and every night
sleep right
next to me.

The Jungle...

These days I feel I have stopped feeling good. All I can feel is trapped.
I write only pretentious happy things and random happenings on my blog.
I write the wrong kind of things to the wrong people.
This is an email that got no reply,
leaving it here in hope that someone somewhere understands.

BBB,

How do we learn to gauge what we are for people?

How do we know how much is how much?

How can we know how much is not too much?

Who do you share your mood swings with?

How can I know whom to share those with?

And will people tell me if its not ok to share those with them?

Are people brave and polite enough to say

that they dont care about what I say to them if they dont.

Is talking so much abnormal?

Are people who have siblings not like me?

Is it ok to share such things with people?

Do people feel talking about what you feel is silly.

Am i self obsessed?

Is there anything I should do about it?

Is there anything that can be done?

You think I must be putting people off by how I am?

You think i doubt myself too much?

You think I think too much?

Is it because I am alone?

Is it because there is so much space in my head now.

Do you think like this too?

About what people think about you sometimes.

I hate it when I feel like that in relation to friends.

I mean how happy can you be if you get the feeling that the other person does a favour

to you by talking to you.

You think sometimes that people dont want to talk to you or dont want to listen?

you think sometimes that you must be different in a bad way from most people and

that makes people not want to talk to you?

You think some people just dont deserve love?

You think I am one of them?

you think sometimes that doing a particular thing will be making a fool of yourself and

still go ahead do it,

like I am writing this email?

Do you think I must be a bother to people and thats why they left me?

Do you believe that i must be responsible for my misery?

Do you think I shouldn't ask you all these questions? Even a little bit?

Do you think I need therapy?

Do you think I should not be asking you these questions?

I know I'm repeating but I'm really asking.

I constantly doubt people.

I constantly think that they think I'm 'high maintenance'.

Someone told me that once.

Do you think being honest is being obsessive and being baggage?

Do you think having a limit to your relationship be it any kind is ok?

How do you gauge these limits?

Extremely Important Blah

Right when you thought it was over

XT comes with more proof and the most exciting news ever.
Stolen from our CEO's diaries these are tit bits of utmost importance!
If only we could auction these in public and make money....
Anyhoo. (copyright-James2006)
First up is a copy of the agreement signed but all the bloggers!A team of advanced professionals (doesn't that sound funky!) is working
to figure out what the fine blue code in the background is.
It is believed that this sort of meeting could have taken place at a coffee shop
by the name of Barista. However, these are only assumptions.
Clearly nothing can be confirmed at this stage.What follows is a picture clicked by Chamki of Leo, a young and angry looking
man who writes before TIME runs OUT. Our sources suggest Mr. Leo is a secret semi- CEO of some magazine somewhere.This is a picture of Chamki at the beach. An unknown Mr. Someone
suggests that this is a picture she really likes and wants the world to see.
We at XT give you this unique oppurtunity.

Next up is a blue print of the hide out where Chamki had been resting, away from the media. This is where the next
joint- venture-world-torture-project must be planned.
But before our team could get there, she had escaped and
is planning a press conference at her office in Bandra.

~Team XT.

Powai ramble

Little travel escapade.
Can't call Powai travel really but it feels like it.
Missing home like I am far away.
Nothing particular that I can name but there is something different.
I miss you BBB.
Powai is different from what Bombay is.
Also its this time of the day, I mean night.

There is something very temporary about life these days.
Nothing seems stable.
Every thing changing everyday. Some growing some withering,
Is this life?

Pictures and sketches of

Jyoti's house coming up soon.

Father,

How much do tears cost?
How much is that drop of sweat,
sweated by hustling in the heat
or spent in anxiety?
How much is that moment
spent shifting and turning in bed?
How much do I spend every time
I think of happiness?
What does the tag on a smile say?
How much is a sigh?

How much does it cost to hug?
How much does it cost to forget counting?
How much will it cost to live a life?
A real life.
More than the cost of a calculator?
More than our bank balance?

We are tearing each other over
yellow perforated bills.
We are eating our teeth and diluting our milk.
We are chocking our lungs for it might cost to breathe.

Our hands
groping for enough,
spill all that there can be-
comfort, simplicity and peace.
All we gather is misery.

Another one of those...

Blogger meets?
No no no. This is another Secret Joint Venture for sure. Joint at too many places. 3 bloggers! Well lets say 3 and a half considering Nonedone is twice as tall. Oh wait! beloved_witch (not in the picture) and Game boy (also not in the picture) used to blog. So thats 5.5 bloggers!
This must be something big. We at XT warn other bloggers about such meetings. These meetings don't sound good. There are cameras all around. Flashing and blinding and there is just way to much laughter for it to be normal. There must be something to it. Of course XT will find out.
Below is another picture of a agreement being signed by our, yes OUR very own CEO and Loony from Calcutta. The following one shows proof of apparatus being designed. It is also believed to be a model of a missile launcher! The world is in danger! SOS SOS SOS SOS

excerpt from late night conversation.

chamki: fuck! you know we are so much better than soo many people. We don't lie, we don't mean to harm, we could be sooo much better without somethings and sooo much better with some, little help

I think we should motivate each other more than anything.

We just need a push. We just need a phone call a day and an assurance that our life matters.

g: hmmm, yeah :)

i need a motif to live now oo

chamki: yeah man

g: i would live for good work and good life

chamki: my aims are so confused I dont know what to look at with focus.

I want to live to be good and use my potential

g: i want to live to be happy

chamki: I want regret on the faces of the people who looked down on me

I want to be content with what I create

i want to see, travel to be the best grandmother in the world, with a house and a massage parlour. There! Found my dream again!

g: i just want o forget this chapter of my life, as if it never happened

:)

chamki: I want to be able to make others happy.

g: i just want to sleep now

i am going
g: please pray for me, pray that i have the courage and strength to live through this

chamki:I'll pray. dont worry. trust the unknown, I bet its better than what you know

chamki: good night

Morning! Mourning! Moaning! Mooning?

Just thought of a morning notsolong ago. M and me did what we had planned. That's so rare! This morning was similar. I began Yoga Class again. Its a strange thing- Bhaang. People like me should stay away from it. We are capable of sending ourselves on plenty of cranky, sad, nostalgic, hormonally violently happy, numb and I-want-to-change-the-world trips. We should try to use our heads a little more. I do not recommend Bhaang to anyone who has at any time in their life felt charged or melancholy, which basically rules out all the people who live or notice ANYTHING ! The physical drugged effect can last up to 2 days but the thoughts and the visions you have perceived never leave. So... do yoga and enjoy Xanadu Times, every morning, with your cup of tea or coffee.(Also, milo milk! hee hee) I was supposed to be talking about morning and mornings! Oh well!

~360 Degrees of Depressville~
~Long Ramble in Celebration~
fellow crankies cordially invited
to
chamkorani.blogspot.com

This ramble is in benefit of those whom I don't write emails, letters to or chat with.

The past is always glorious isn't it? Why is that the present doesn't excite? Why is there a constant incomplete, a deep dug hole in the head? I understand everyone has their moods their highs and their lows but I believe or like to believe that there is always someone we can share our depressville with. I believe there is always a way out. But this very belief that worries me most. If there is way why can't I find it? Often when I write, in word I understand thought differently. There are many things we say which sound great and these we believe in word. Like, everything will be OK, or, life finds a way. Really? The more I think about them the more they worry me. But to stop thinking is to give up. How can I decide now what I want my future to be? I know it doesn't depend on me alone, but I'm supposed to have an answer right? What I want to study, what work I want to do, which college. Right now I seem unsure. Unsure of my choices. Unsure of my beliefs. I don't know even the simplest of things. What do I want to eat? What colour do i pick? What is my next step? I see too much possibility or none. I see myself learning another language, a classical dance form and massage. I see myself running a Coffee Shop with a partner. (Anyone interested email me. I'm ready to begin work right away) At the same time I'm unsure of taking a break from study. I haven't filled in my papers. Can't get myself to study. I want to run a long stretch of beach. I want to scream. I want to be able to dream again and follow it. I need to replenish. C-H-A-N-G-E.
All elderly advice welcome.

I dive into the past
as easily as
a warm knife
in butter does.

Is there a world beyond
the curve of your arm?
Is there love in the
kiss of another?
Is there someone
who wants to listen?
Is there someone who wants to
peacefully co-exist with you
for e v e r ~

Holi. The sea. The pale lavender soap. The smell of fish. Orange flags. Boats. Lots of them. The low window. The hum of the pigeon. The pale white curtains fluttering. The dusty white walls. The faint azaan. Your body. Your face. Your skin.
I need a ear. I close again. I eclipse. The simplest most tiniest truth I know is that there is no way to reach to you. So much time has passed. I have changed I believe. There is so much i want to tell you. But why do I? After all that has passed between us and others. What is it that still ties you to me. What is that will pass your mind if I see you? What is the thought that manages to escape the box of limits and touches you? What is it that you think of me? What is it that you remember of me? Do you remember how much I am capable of loving you?

recording days in predictions.
life in statistics.
moments as mails.
My sense of time
is lost
somewhere.
My sense of sight sank
to the base of the pool.

Random bits of information
desperate to be connected are
collected here.

Waiting.
silently
breathing one dusty sigh
after the next.

Today's Outlook for

Monday March 05, 2007
Yesterday | TODAY | Tomorrow

Buried tensions are coming to the surface so we can more readily deal with our suppressed issues. The Sun's annual conjunction with Uranus, the most unusual planet in our solar system, can rattle our metaphysical windows and shake our emotional walls. Even the Moon's entry into polite Libra at 4:25 am EST isn't enough to moderate this wild and unpredictable energy. Still, we should think twice before acting in a potentially offensive manner.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
You may need to step outside the box and surprise someone with your willingness to take a risk. However, if you are overly cautious, something unexpected could happen to you. One way or another, hidden tensions will suddenly be released. This will either be initiated by you or happen to you. Ultimately, it's better if the disclosure comes from within.

According to a anonymous internet being : What a woman should have

Strange new find: A FWD (something that is sent from a person to another i.e. forwarded) by email. From my inbox today here are some interesting ideas, somethings I don't agree with and many that are simply impossible.
At the end of some statements I want to ask why?
Why should she?
But sometimes I think she should. Its lovely.
Read for yourself.
Appreciate. Criticise. I present to you....
What a woman should have!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in
her
old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE.....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her
cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in
her
family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Random Act of Boredom and Useless Information For Today

If you scroll down in an Excel sheet...
for
all eternity~
You
will,
after
5 minutes
of
very
hard
work
realise
that
even
the
unexplored
bit
ends
at
65536
rows.

The universe of Excel (and perhaps excellence) is limited.

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Chamki's 10 commandments update:

• Phone check Rs. 50 per week. All under control.
• Stationery: No silly buy. Only a LAMY and a Sheaffer calligraphy pen! But I have a little job like thing to compensate so I don't feel guilty OK.
• Clothes: None bought. None stitched as yet.
• Public Transport: All good!
• Beauty: Nothing bought. I made my own scented spray! Its water based but great since summer is here!
• Paid meal: A mini splurge happened. :s
• Weight: 2 kg lost. Tummy getting back to shape slowly, very slowly.
• Computer usage: Uncontrollable! Also job is here so need to work na!

So far not bad!
*** stars on 5

Letter to J

Dear J,












Chamki.

Its doodling isn't it?

The story of the lost heritage found.

Xanadu Times' joint venture

The Editor, Chamki had scheduled to meet His Highness Mr. NoneDone who rides into the sun on 16th February 2007. After a meal at Yoko Sizzlers, they proceeded to a nearby park to discuss a TOP SECRET joint venture. These photographs are clicked by the secret overhead camera. Below is a page from Chamki's journal which has the signatures of the two as proof that an agreement has been signed. What might this agreement be? Its a secret. A TOP SECRET. An inquiry commission will look into the matter. Meanwhile, rumours of another secret meeting have been heard. Sources suggest the focus of the meeting is image, technology and the changing face of stationary! More on this in our next issue!

Crepe Station at Carter Road. Yummy. Decent music thanks to World Space radio. The perfect place for a hungover breakfast. Orange and Blue walls. My journal and pen. Loads of memories.
I couldn't decide what to write on this page. There is way too much... way to many people.
This page is to all of you.

Useless peice of information for the day.

click to enlarge

Letter to The Summer House

Nibbling the path
From my home to yours
Salting my hair
With pickled memories,
I see The Summer House
Now, dog territory.

The wind tempts
Thoughts of you.
Fallen bougainvilleas
Stamped to dust.
Rickety cycles.
Words - cigarette hushed.
The winding pathway
A soundless song,
A letter crushed.

Dear you,
Thoughts are light
Like rice flakes.
Memories, heavy
Like dew.
I’m not lonely,
Neither are you.
We like
Shoe soles are
Never together.
Only a step ahead
Of each other.

Mr. Brightside

I know.
just hush.
there isn't much
but more.
Pain.
there isn't enough
but there is a lot.
Love.

Can I hug you now?
Why don't you answer?
Are you not here?
Do I think too much?
Do I bother you?
Please tell me if I do.

Bulleted

• Pondering about a system for our worlds is dealing with metaphysics.

(System of governance I would say but it already implies a lot I don't want it to)

I never seem to feel an answer already exists. Any answer is only a postulate.

Today I will tell you something about me.
When I was growing up I didn’t have a book for many years.
I got 2 books as gifts. One about a pup and the other about a duck.
Then years later a book in Hindi called Katha Sarovar (a reservoir of stories).
I don’t know what I grew up reading. I still don’t read much.
I didn’t feel the need either.
There was always a search of a story but not a book. I made my own stories in games.
Then we studied History and Geography in school.
We read a few pages about war.
I read a page about America, France, England, China, Japan, Russia.
About war.
I read about the war like America was a blotch of white and Russia a blotch of blue.
Countries. Not people. Not lives.
Names without meanings. No context or reasons. Just facts.
And it didn’t touch me.

In the comfort of my room I don’t think there is a war somewhere.
But does the world seize to exist when my eyes are shut?

In these images that move across my screen I see the promise of a life that I want.
In the waters and the lonely faces I see a need and want to do something.
Why?
Because I can see it.
I once spoke to a friend who said art doesn’t move him much. For a day or two may be.
He said a film doesn’t touch him and if it does it fades away.
I don’t mean ill of him. He’s honest.
I see endless possibility in a moment of a bad theatrical production about digging. Digging without a purpose. Sometimes it’s a bad thing.
Dreams dreams dreams. Do dreams have a point ?
Do dreams tell you how much you can earn?
Do dreams promise you stability?
But are they all bad?
Are they bad at all?

Every time I read a book or watch a film I feel closer to tapping the box inside my stomach. Knowing what my hunger means. Every time I sit in a bus or a train among the worried faces traveling irritably I feel the need to push something open. It saddens me to know I can’t do much about my state or the person next to me. I don’t have to fight or protest, I just have to offer my seat sometimes, sometimes it’s as little as that. But how we love to hoard the little we have when we can spread our arms wide open to encircle everything.

I don’t what it is that I have told you about me today but I’m glad there are lives and there have been lives that have been touched, moved and have managed to push that something open. That something, in my everyday.

Chamki's 10 commandments.

1. No new clothes. Not that buy too many. I really don't. I bought something worth Rs. 60 last week and before that something for my birthday... August. Anyhoo... I will stitch my own clothes, learn to stitch I mean.
2. No waxing.. No money should be wasted in trivial matters like this. I shall find alternate ways to get the desired result without spending. No artificial methods. Something revolutionary.
3. No public transport must be used when you can walk or cycle.
4. No buying soap or similar liquids which seek to tempt in colored bottles.. Well that’s the only beauty product I can omit. The only others I use are Kajal, body mist, essential oils and sunscreen and I’m not going to buy those either.
5. This is the tough one! I will not do any... I can't say it! Any... stationery shopping. Yes. No paper. No pens. Unless there is no other alternative, which there is always don't cheat your self... say it c'mon.... No Stationery shopping. However, I'm allowed to go to the raddiwala.
6. Only one paid meal permitted. No McDonald’s happy price menu, I'm not happy with one burger.
7. Return library books on time and avoid paying Rs. 2 per day. Leave for any place way before time to avoid sudden expenses.
8. No extra butter and cheese. Watch where you are growing.
9. Computer usage: 30 minutes in the morning. 2 hours at night by the clock.(ha ha! It sounds like a joke) Phone: Rs. 50 a week. I said it. That’s it. It’s final.
10. Must follow To-Do List. Yoga. University. Study. Steady Sleep. Guitar lessons. Create. Obey Self. Prayer corner upgrade. Earn. Travel.

The Do's

1. Go Alternate!
2. Look, search, discover.
3. New. Change. New. Change.
4. Invent.
5. Reuse.
   
6. Learn.
7. Spend time by self.Meet few. Close or new .
   
8. Watch movies.
   
9. Read. Eat healthy. Write more.
10. Push the limit.

Anyone is free to join me. Everyone free to point out faults.
This plan begins Feb 15th.

Poor

Ugly

I was looking through the old love letters on my blog.
Poetry, random notes written a while ago.
I was good!
I was good.

Creative Chaos required again.
I would write anything!
2 lines.
A silly rhyme.
words.
Nothing stops me now
but I just don't.

Wait
February 14th.

I, Chamki, wish to study International Journalism at Strathclyde University in Scotland
and throw this oppurtunity to anyone who wants to help me financially. Please feel free to browse or email me. Blessings, prayers and wishes like Credit cards and cash are also accepted.
Also people who want to help with courses, scholarships, recommendations, student loans, air fare journalism, peace of mind in distress situations, love and luck can email me.
XXX

issued in pure self interest
by chamki

A road trip to my heart

You, who live a little away from me
have the world's most refreshing smile
and use it wisely.
Its a delicacy.
You come like a pleasant breeze in summer heat
and bring comfort in subtlety.
You blend easily, with the wall
and hide to observe what you please.
My love, just ask.
Ask and you shall receive.

Prayer

I have been lazy and busy at the same time. There is a lot of stuff waiting to be scanned. Sketches and drawings. TIME!! Exams coming soon. Blessings welcome.

xxx
chamki

Cafe Mondegar

Dreams

Todays Headlines and more

Compliments
or
flattery.
One and the same.
Abundant today.
Buy 1 get 3 free.

LOVE LOVE LOVE
All I have is all I need.

Writer's Bloc festival has some interesting plays lined up.
My friends are in.
Go watch them!

Vinod, my mommy hugs like a giant.

Pritham, what can I say about him?

The smile and the girl: Siamese twins.

This moment. These days. Unreal. Film like.
They don't rush but pass before you can see them.
You don't see them you live them. Content. Bold. Limitless.
Free. Uncomplicated.Lovely.Mellow. Honey.
Light. Joy. Smiles. Eyes. Touch. Hair. Kiss. And.Kiss.

No one knows why her skin glows.
She moans (for the first time)
Or may be they know.

He leaves the edge of the cycle
the wheels roll
She rides on her own
Its a step into
love horizon,
love sea.

THE DAILY BLAH

HEADLINES
Misty morning with time to spare
what a luxury!

The thrill of waking up someone
with a kiss on their forehead.

The yellow flower in my balcony.

The book in which thoughts weren't locked
but set free.
Given to 'M'

Music that tickles the soul
and pleases the ear.

Moderation is the key.

Study reveals:Kings of convenience
and Nepal
can kill the present.

A beginning as pure as a prayer.
What a luxury your life can be!

A little care of your skin
A little more water to drink
and the glow of the grace of the goddess.

I feel like a tourist in my city now.
Everyday.

Father feels better with Irish prayers.

What is your day in headlines?
Add it to this new newspaper.
We are glad to know.
Always.

XXX
chamki

EXTRA EXTRA!
New update: Evening edition

Love comes like surprise ice on water.

Double Happiness Chinese Symbol to bring happiness to couples.

Smiles are contagious.

Sometimes love is not as complicated as we make it to be.

so you want to be a writer?

by Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don't do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don't do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your

typewriter

searching for words,

don't do it.

if you're doing it for money or

fame,

don't do it.

if you're doing it because you want

women in your bed,

don't do it.

if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don't do it.

if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,

don't do it.

if you're trying to write like somebody

else,

forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of

you,

then wait patiently.

if it never does roar out of you,

do something else.


if you first have to read it to your wife

or your girlfriend or your boyfriend

or your parents or to anybody at all,

you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,

don't be like so many thousands of

people who call themselves writers,

don't be dull and boring and

pretentious, don't be consumed with self-

love.

the libraries of the world have

yawned themselves to

sleep

over your kind.

don't add to that.

don't do it.

unless it comes out of

your soul like a rocket,

unless being still would

drive you to madness or

suicide or murder,

don't do it.

unless the sun inside you is

burning your gut,

don't do it.

when it is truly time,

and if you have been chosen,

it will do it by

itself and it will keep on doing it

until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

From sifting through the madness for the Word, the line, the way by Charles Bukowski.

Today I realise that I have lost my ability to write.
After reading some blogs mainly Loony's I think I should just give up blogging all together. Even her stream of consciousness posts which seem to talk about nothing talk about so much. When there isn't much to talk about she talks about her education which is literature. If nothing interesting there are at least people in your book, characters, writers, saying something, describing events. SOMETHING! What can I say about my education? That people in my class hoard notes like its gold or platinum. No one in my class wants to know more than the teacher wants to say and if i ask for more, I'm wrong. I know I understand this kind of behaviour and should have been able to work my way around it by now. But no! I don't understand this kind of behaviour.
I rarely whine on my blog, at least I believe that, so today I shall whine.
Talk about all that Bombay is. The rush , the stench , the never ending ques, the loneliness and the worry that covers every face, even when we are not aware of it. We are not consciously worried that's it, we are not worried about something, it has merged with our existence and from people we are now worriers. Our job: to worry. About? About the bills, the tickets, the food, the ques, the time rushing by, the man in front of us, the man behind us, the man who makes more money, the daughter who has pimples. We worry regardless of good or bad for we think under every good thing lies a box, a jack-in-the-box out to punch you. This worry makes us mark our boundaries, mark limits. Outline the yours and the mine. So you don't step this close and I don't come here. Anyone who is unaware of these rules gets abused in our language so he/she doesn't even know. That's why we are the ruddest city in the world. I agree we are. We don't even have fake politesse anymore. Smiles are taxed so we don't smile. If you don't get a rude word from us its your lucky day. Well that's what being polite is, avoiding the bad. I avoid stepping on your toes and I'm poilte. If I bump into you I don't know what to say. What could one say! We don't have these words in our dictionaries? Oh yes we do. But who has the time to be polite, and if we do , we are so uncool. Being in a rush and having the stale oil wada pav is part of our culture, part of our heritage and spirit. We love to run around and pose as the city which never sleeps. Who says we shouldn't? What's so great about waking up groggy and sporting dark circles like a fancy tan.
The truth is that this is our life. From the lowest rung of the ladder to the highest we are not people who are born liking the fact that we have no time, but then it grows into us. By time I also mean a life that we are content with, comfortable in , able to provide and do things we like to do. Initially we have to find jobs, make money, study, classes, tuitions etc, by then its just part of us. Constantly discontent, lonely, irritated and ready to blame the next soul around us.
For people who's lives lack activity Bombay is a lively city. Full of life. Everyone is busy, occupied and doing something. These very phrases I dislike. Someday I just want to be able to not be doing anything, just see life, observe it. Just sit and be able to know the people around me not as a function towards me, not as my teacher, my watchman, my driver but as a person. How often can a city like Bombay afford that? How often can you tell your teacher in class that its OK if she drifts away from Plato and the critics to tell you more about his life. Or more about someone else's life which is interesting. Why do we only feed ourselves with information which is relevant. What about the stories that are lost every minute. Mine and yours. The ones unrecorded because we don't have the time.
We are lives not functions. I'm not just your student who is late for class everyday. There is a reason why that happens. Would you care to know? We are people who live, feel, breathe and sense. We are people who are hurt, who want to love, who can love. I'm not here for academic excellence if it doesn't mean anything in my life. If I sulk everyday that I can't have a decent conversation with another soul why do I care about my MBA results? I don't go to college sometimes to save up on pocket money. Its costs to travel. If you think this has got nothing to do with the city. Well, it might not have anything to do with it. But there are many like me, all in this cramped and dingy city that smells of fish and sewage like Charles Dicken's descriptions of London. (London wasn't it?) At the end of my day, no matter how much I rush, how I elbow the person next to me, crawl under people who are too slow and jump over people sleeping on the road I'm just another face in the crowd. Not far ahead of the guy i crawled over. We don't move. We are stuck like the sea.

Another post I choose to not edit.

She and HIM

ME: (thinks to herself while looking at him. She is talking to him in her head. I can’t call you YOU so I’m going to call you HIM)

HIM: (smiles. Unaware of what she is thinking.) Do you have something to say to me?

ME: (smiles back, tries to hide what she thinks) Do you think so?

HIM: I think so.

ME: Do you have something to say to me?

HIM: Is it a question?

ME: Do you have something to say to me??

HIM: Don’t think it will end at a question. You see… questions have answers.

ME: (smiles again. The kind of smile that lingers throughout the sentence) If I have something to say to you, you know what it is?

HIM: May be.

ME: And may be not.

HIM: Is it a question?

ME: Would you have an answer?

HIM: It’s a yes.

Me: (can’t hide her smile) Well then… we know what we know and we can kiss.

If only life didn’t measure. Time. Distance. Money. Weight. Years. Kilometres. Me and you could be together.

Me and you can still be.
Find me.

Write.

There comes a point when we tire and give up.
We stop sharing our lives with people who don't care and only pass by.
We get private about our lives as we realise how precious they are.
The urge to write is somewhere linked with the urge to say and to share.
We write always. We never stop. Only change where.
A blog, a journal, a diary or newspaper, a magazine, a CD cover or chocolate wrapper
a head, a heart or tissue paper.
Write all you know.
Write like its all you know.
Write for me to know all you that you know.
Write to me.
Write.

The Outsider

M for Miracle

Click to view.
Text: self explanatory

Text in gold: This is how we kiss.

Made in Nepal

A walk in the outside this evening made me realize

That I won’t be able to write about Nepal
Right away.
When we paint the details
We can’t see the whole painting as one
Or talk about it.
That’s how I feel right now.

Smiling at the thought of M.Mommy’s message
Like a teenage girl thinking of her crush.
The world around blurs and the winter chill sets in.
That’s how I am.
Page of Cups.

Nepal, The Land Of No Return

Now these drawings are making me sick. Love sick. Nepal love sick. I can't write about my trip. Everyday we (M and me) are trying to live a bit of it. I miss Nepal too much. The dogs, the people, the climate, the time, the shopping, the food, the love. I don't like Bombay. I don't like the people, the climate, the time, the shopping, the food. There is no love here for me. I think I left my Knight of Pentacles in Thamel. In the process of accepting my surroundings, will write about the soul search soon.

chamki
:(

2007

"All the world is a stationary store and we mere buyers!"

-Chamki
Delhi,
the Transit point.

Some of you might get this.
Some of you won't.


Happy New Year Muahs to All!
I'll be back to stinky black Bombay tomorrow.
Loads to talk about, keep yourself updated.

Christmas wishes

This Christmas, I write a prayer
for everyone who reads this post,
may they find love, friends,
and peace with themselves.
May this night lead you to mornings
blessed with the warmth
of smiles and laughter
that come from sharing your life
with people you love.

Merry Christmas!
Sending everyone lotsa love,
chamki

Mumbai-Delhi-Nepal

The big night is here and the big stuff is done. Clothes, music, identification, a book, money, travel journal, camera, winter wear, shoes, tooth brush. All in. Am I missing something? A look at the weather and you can freeze just by the thought of it. Here have a look...

This is what I leave behind

Transit point

Destination

The song I'm listening to

You and your sweet smile
You and all your tantalizing ways
You and your honey lips
You and all the sweet things that they say
You and your wild wild ways
One day you just up and walked away

You felt me hurting
But I can forgive you for that now
You taught me something
Something took me half my life to learn
When you give all yourself away
Just tell them to be careful of your heart

Be careful of my heart
Be careful of this heart of mine
Be careful of my heart
heart
It just might break and send some splitters flying
Be careful of my heart
heart
Be careful

You you you
You you you
You you you
Took my love
Thought you took it all

You you you
You you you
You you you
Took my love
And now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down
And I'm not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save
A little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself
One day I just might love again
One day some sweet smile might turn my heart
One day I just might give all myself away
One day
One day
One day

~Tracy Chapman.
I wish I knew how to add this song to the blog.
I wish I knew how to make all of you hear it.

Sticky notes from my head

Having a blog makes me
comfortable with the many faces of me.
The face I like
The face I don’t
The face you know
The face you don’t.
Makes me understand that
it is ok
To share all bits of me
As I am
With the people I know
Or don’t as yet.
It breaks the protective projection
Mission agenda and lets the picture
Build bit by bit in people’s minds.

XXX

The most interesting thoughts occur to you
when you can't put them down.
While you study for your exams,
bathe, travel or sleep.

Love Sick Century

This century
of half empty hearts
half full times
and seeming happy families
tells me much less than
the past.
It is why I wish
to be born in the past.
Sometimes I think
We need a war.

A sticky note from my head.

When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college - that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?" ~Howard Ikemoto

Altered Nivea Ad

Altered Magazine Pages
my current obsession

Birthday gift to AK from Chamki

Anonymous said...
Well, i'm not man, but here's something for you, "chamki"

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Someone left this for me HERE on Mahima's blog!
Thank you anonymous
you are a phenomenal woman too.

News Update in Shinedom

I'm in a strange mood today. I think something is going to be destroyed!
Something is going to change!!!
But it will change before you can guess it.

A few moments later...
Here it is!
The winterie looking Chamko Rani blog.
Now onward you don't need to take the pain of clicking on an additional link
I make life easier
I present Chamko Rani fishing!

hee hee

The cover for my new travel journal.

The words are a song by Joni Mitchell who is also the girl in the picture.
The big yellow taxi is also a song by her.
This book is a little something I will use to immortalise the places i visit and the people I meet over the next 2 weeks.The size is bigger than what i am used to and working around it is difficult but challenges are always inviting. The big secret is that I'm going to Nepal on the 26th of this lovely month! Christmas I will celebrate in Delhi.The excitement doesn't let me live!

Things that worry me

1. My Father's health
2. My future plans: study, money, theatre, art, marriage, kids, study, money, theatre, art
   
3. Love
4. Increasing pollution
5. What I think people think about me
6. What I think about me
7. My capabilities
8. Dead Genius
9. The inability to ignore what I see
10. Dependence on people for joy
11. Moods
12. Loneliness
13. Money
14. Home, Mine and also the one I have now is not secure
15. All that is , was and will be
16. Separation
17. Disintegrating relationships. The friends, the bright sparks fizzling out.
    
18. Awkward silences
19. Unsent letters
20. My degrading health
    

Things I like to do at home

1. Sleep
   
2. Listen to music
3. Look out of the window
4. Draw things and put them up on the walls
5. Decorate, according to festival or season
6. Water my plants
7. Cook, once in a while
8. Pray
9. Watch a film
   
10. Telephone
11. Call people over
12. Bake
13. Be
14. Cut my nails
15. Play video games
16. Dance
17. Write
18. Work on the Computer
    

Feel free to add your own as comments

My Nepal to-do list as Mahima puts it.

Big Secret revealed

Shakespearecoldcoffeebluelightstrangeroom
fragnantgrandmothershawl biryanidogwhite
989fridgediwaliwinteroatsmilkwindowsea
strangeconversation honeyeggspeanutbutter
lovescooterhuggingridesnightsdrinkssweater
imaginedwinelovedanceestrangedlostin
translationsmelllovestrangehurtneck
confusionambiguoushurtfutureliar.King liar.
sanityinsanitydistancechaostearsnights
awakemessageseidlovestrangelove
fantasy216countrieshopestorystrange
loveblacksixteensecondslemongrassoil
icecreamcapcheckedshirtbob
dylanciggarettelipsarmsitain'tmebabe
rollingstones39silveranklet60strange
thisloveis.rushflytearsuitcase.don'tit
allseemtogothatyoudon'tknowwhat
you'vegottillitsgone.onelovewhiskey
lensesgymboylovegoneback

The last few days are busy patches of rush, dust, eroding wind and boring classes sandwiched between James' and Peter's emails in the morning before I leave for college and Purva's emails in the evening. So much to look forward to.

Thank you angels.

There is something real big shaping up. But I don't want to tell you guys just yet. Take your time to guess. Leave them as comments. People who know don't say it!

The pressure and the expectation of the 300^th post has prevented me from writing anything for the blog these days. I thought about what is interesting enough to blog and mark as the 300^th. Well… the answer I got is my life! My life, at least to me is or should be of primary concern. With great difficulty I shut out people who are not into me but occupy too much mental space and began writing this post. This post is meant to be like one of my free writing sessions for my Stream Of Consciousness book. This post is timed, I write all that I can think about in 10 minutes. I talk about what realizations I had had recently, being 20 something now.

To list them roughly

• I don’t think finding love is going to be easy. With more and more people shaking my belief in something called love I doubt sometimes (brief but significant) its existence. It is too complicated and calculated now. I don’t know how I can fall crazy in love with anyone now, knowing what happened in the past. I do fall in love with people all the time. Several at the same time even. But they…
• I don’t have any friends. A few genuine people who love me but live far away in time and space. A few who I may be separated from in the coming months. A few who I think are friends but are really not. A few whom I upgrade to being a friend too soon and get disappointed by. A few who just don’t care but hang around. Mahima, Pallavi are there I know. I hope we can keep in touch later.
• At the end of the day, I am lonely. Not one, but in a sense half. Half of me against me.
• Everyday I break and build and break again.
• I’m saturated with philosophy, Chinese food, my daily commute and being lovesick.
• I am sticky. I cling to people who don’t really like me and then force them to like me. I hate them because they don’t like me enough. I hate myself really.
• I want to spend most nights on the road, walking and singing.
• I don’t know what I plan.
• I can never plan.
• There are a few people I really love and I show them that.
• There are very few people who want to be loved.

Ok. 10 minutes up. I can’t edit it so… best of luck guys

Men, relationships and the things that never end

Sister: I want things clear and i tried my best to keep them that way.
Me: I think combed hair and clean things mess up first.

I'm giving up.
Again.

Last night's reading with M

This is my mind in tarot. Anyone is free to do a reading.
These are the reasons I have been like I have been.
The cards in the top row are how I am on the outside and
how am I dealing with what I feel.
The card at the base is the subconscious reason for the state.

The reading I got said
I am making large issues small.
Avoiding them. Not facing them.

All the cards in the reading are major arcana.
This says a lot in itself.

Fingers crossed.
Chamki.

Oh Look!

Fishing : updated.
WORDS ON RENT: new link added. Waterless.