Tigers above, Tigers below

There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below.

The Truth of it, as it seems today.

Sometimes you wake up disillusioned with life. Today is one such day. Nothing to hold onto, nothing to lose. Nothing is sacred anymore. There is no romance, no dream left that can be fulfilled, heck no. Just this. Right here, right now with nothing to look forward to or nothing about the past you can change. What if things happened differently. Would I still be standing here?There is nothing that you can control about others and not much about yourself either.

I do not know the source of my actions, where my desires spring from and what it is that motivates me to do whatever it is that I choose to do. Every belief seems like bottles with colourful liquid packaged with different labels - spirituality, money, fame, morality or debauchery. Have a sip and see life in a corresponding tint. It all seems right till you realize the bottle you've bought. Right or Wrong and the great "Who cares?" just labels on bottles you like at the moment . Nothing is what it is and what it seems to be at first. And the Truth of it, of it all seems that mostly everything is a lie.

Everything is a lie is the only Truth I can believe. And even this little truth is hard to handle, so we rather go on believing the lies, convincing ourselves that everything is OK.

To be happy in this state of being seems like an escape, from the fact that nothing is actually OK.

Nothing I am to do would change the conditions I'm subjected to over and over again. The suffering and pain, confusion and general unhappiness that is our lives. It isn't that there is nothing to celebrate. But I don't think I'm equipped to recognize real happiness, and freedom.The kind of happiness and freedom that comes with it's drama, it's make or break situations and thrill.
I guess that's not what most people would say real happiness is. The state of peace with being yourself.  I don't really know where I'm going with this... I guess I'm always looking for answers. As a dance teacher once told me few years ago - There are no Answers. I scribbled it in large letters on a sheet of paper and filled in each alphabet as I contemplated this by the beach and promptly on the next page I wrote - There are Answers, you've got to ask the right questions.

The only questions that comes to my mind right now, about my state of being are - What can I do ? How can I do this? How to live with this nagging voice, with these beliefs and what if I let them all go. What is genuine sincerity in a world of lies?

Perception

Suffer and learn

The things we say, every action and every tiny intention behind that action, has the potential to hurt others and in return ourselves. All of these intentions occur at the speed of light and race through our system like electricity through a wire. Most of the times, of the few times when we do put our attention to what we just did, its too late and we mostly notice our intentions in hindsight. Most of us are completely blind to what causes us to behave the way we do, and in turn we think we know exactly what occurs in another person and why they are the way they are.
Most people have perfected the art of convincing themselves and others that they are right. While this skill is important (when needed) it takes away the oppurtunity from us to learn, from opening up to the point of view of others, which could be our blind spot about ourselves. We could be wrong. Furthermore, when aspects of our behaviour are being exposed it is hard to notice the difficulty of the moment and the many reactions, mostly aggressive we have towards the person exposing us. Sometimes even our aggression towards them is justified as defensive, as counter to their attack.
Human relationships and communication are far too perplexing and take up a lot of energy. Often I feel helpless in the face of passing comments - often namelessly said in favour of everyone, but very clearly to the "right" person at the "right" time. While no comments should be taken personally and specially not ones made in favour of a general audience, the intention behind such pettiness (blame game and general whining) has been allowed to affect me, by me. When I seek advice, or to share my irritation and find a solution, people repeatedly tell me that I'm young and naive and too sensitive. I do not know how to dodge this apparent roughness with skill as they have learnt over their hard earned time on this planet.
While social dynamics are to be handled wisely, diplomacy has its limits. I feel I have reached my stopcap several times. The incessant regularity of passive aggressive remarks is almost abusive. Along with that positive enforcement is next to nil.  If I were to advise anyone in my situation  it would be - Leave.

Yet one has to suffer to learn.

That which is, has already been.

Golden Rooster

A morning with a golden rooster is always a good morning. I've been thinking of compiling a series of postcards and here's one.

Good. Bad. True. False.

Yesterday's task from A Course in Miracles - the book I'm reading- said,
I'm upset because I see a meaningless world.

I see a ----- world, but I'm upset because I see a meaningless world.

I see an ignorant world, a chaotic world, a selfish world, a difficult world, a struggling world, a sick world, a surviving world, a suffering world, but I'm upset because I see a meaningless world.
The world actually is meaningless, devoid of any such inherent meaning. Just like my thoughts, these associations, these labels are my own.

In this inherently meaningless world I look for certainty, clarity, meaning on the outside - in books, horoscopes, opinions of those I perceive important, I rummage through the past and look for references and examples. I place people in my situation and myself in theirs, to look for what would be logical and acceptable and wise to do. In the Good World I percieve, I search for the Bad to prove the World truly Good and my perception correct. On coming across Good in the Bad World, I think them to be signs, miracles, or doubt my perception, and lead myself into utter confusion.

But the Truth is beyond both Good and Bad, because good and bad are things I've subjectively labelled onto things, people and occurrences. There may actually be Ultimate Good and Ultimate Bad or may not. But I'm not going to figure them out through my frivolous thoughts about a meaningless world.